New friends

How long does it take for someone to become a friend? I was at a Meetup event for foreigners in Bristol this evening and was asked by  a newbie whether I ever hung out with someone I had met at a Meetup event. I replied I didn't although that is strictly not true. I met my Italian friend M at my first Meetup event and we hit it off, seeking each other out at the end to exchange numbers. We have met numerous times since. But coming back to the point, I have struck a rapport with a few others at Meetup events but we never made it to the exchanging numbers stage. I don't know why. I wouldn't have minded hanging out with most of them, but making the first move seemed too much of an effort and not worth the risk  of rejection. I suppose making new friends is a less anxiety-causing version of dating. There are people you clearly like and you don't mind making  the first move either because you know they feel the same way or because  they  are worth  the risk. With others, it is a slow-burning fire. You leave it to fate to throw you together again and make you friends if it chooses. You don't take fate in your own hands. And, you hope you will meet someone with whom you don't have to do the dance of decorum to get close. People who kindle a light in you. Such people are few and far between. But they are worth wait.

P.S. The newbie and I got along quite well, but didn't exchange numbers.

Yoga

I took up yoga wholeheartedly about six months back after a few abortive attempts. A friend had recommended a youtube channel, and since I am not a fan of classes, or people in general ,I was up for trying it.  I have been stiff for as long as I can remember, so my main motivation was to become more flexible. Becoming beefy was,  for some reason, of little  interest to me at the time.
I took to yoga like a fish to water. After doing a 30-day series without missing more than a day, I started on another 30-day series. Since then I have been doing various  singles.
Yoga isn't a great bodybuilding workout and as my health has improved, I have started supplementing it with body-weight routines. Yoga is more for my mind than my body. There hasn't been a  single day that I have felt worse after a session than before and yoga has lifted my mood on a number of  occasions. Yoga makes you acutely conscious of your breath and your body, what  yoga instructors  call "coming into your body".  This necessitates suspending judgement of the past and expectations and trepidation about the future. For those 30 minutes in the morning,  I am fully in  the present. Since forcing yourself to relax or be present is next to impossible,  the only way of coming into your body is to surrender yourself to the  practice and your instructor. A number of lines of my instructor, which perhaps would have sounded banal in another context, are seared into my memory and sources of comfort during testing times. Lines such as "Surrender yourself to that which you cannot control", "The mind is strong, but so is the breath," "If  the mind is strong today, you are not alone'. And, just the physical experience of being conscious of all the body parts you never give a second thought is refreshing. 

A blog about blogging

Since I try to cycle back from uni while it is still light and lack a social life, my evenings are free. So, I have decided to use the time to blog. I could continue working on my PhD but have decided, as a rule, to not work from home unless unavoidable. The problem is when I am on a writing project/assignment, I work on it relentlessly so as not to break the flow. As a result, I feel mentally drained and am wracked with boredom for days after I finish. In case you get the impression I am a prolific writer, I should point out that the passionate writing sprees are woefully few and far between. This blog is part of an attempt to cultivate a healthier and less erratic writing habit which includes creative writing.

It is early days but I have a routine which I find quite relaxing. After I get home in the evenings, I make myself a piping hot cup of tea to drive the cold out of my bones. I then put on the radio and sit down to blog. I suppose there are worse ways to spend wintry evenings.

Of course, words don't come easily. Today, for instance, I spent 45 minutes thinking what to blog about. Since, this is a new (or, rather, newly revived)  blog, I could get away with blogging about blogging, but I realize that won't be an option for long. I have a pipeline of blog ideas which  I will work  through over the next few weeks. I have only one thumbrule--I should enjoy writing every post.  If it is boring to write, chances are it will be boring to read. On days when I feel particularly lazy, I will post poems and haikus I have written in the past. 

Second coming

I arrived in England yesterday after a long exhausting journey which included having to repack my overweight carry-on bags twice at the check-in counter and being held up at immigration for my papers to be rechecked. But, in between, I had a seat with almost unlimited leg room and no neighbors by virtue of being wheelchair accessible.
Being back feels woefully familiar. English winters are as dreary as ever and I was welcomed with a storm. Not having a routine to jump back into or many friends make boredom and loneliness a real possibility. Settling-in chores are as tiresome as ever and things not going according to plan a source of unnatural anxiety. All these things had bothered me a good deal when I was last here. To add to that, I have to explain my absence from England and dodge quizzical looks.
But, something feels different too. Interactions, especially with strangers, feel less forced and awkward and I feel less self-conscious. Boredom and loneliness don't feel inevitable, permanent or debilitating. To be sure, there are moments of stress, anxiety, boredom, loneliness, frustration but also moments of happiness, satisfaction, contentment and laughter. And, while having to explain my absence is annoying, I don't feel ashamed.

Resurrection

My last blog post was on 22nd July, 2009. I wasn't sure I would be able to revive this blog as I had long forgotten the password but such is the magic of Google that all I did was type blogger.com into the address bar and was brought to this page. The thought that Google knows everything usually scares me, but this time I was pleased.
So, I have decided to resume blogging after a gap of eight-and-a-half-years. I did a lot of writing in the intervening period, first as a journalist and then as a post-graduate student. There was also some diary-writing, but it was very personal stuff so I didn't even think of posting it on this blog. Somewhere along the way, I lost the habit of purposeless writing--writing not aimed at venting or at making sense of a problem. Writing that flows from staring into space, which I do a lot of. I had forgotten how much fun that can be.
The past two years have been tumultous, to put it mildly. I was fortunate enough to find someone who guided my writing towards therapeutic purposes and it worked wonders for me. It taught me a lot about myself but more importantly, it taught me to learn to listen to myself. To try to figure out what I really want, which isn't easy in a world which has pretty firm ideas about what I should want.
But, I am over the therapy phase of my writing and am ready to start a creative phase. So, readers who stumble upon this blog need not fear an ambush of angst. My life is certainly not angst-free but at least it is not angst-dominated at the  moment (knock on wood). I feel like I have become a more open person over the past two years and I am ready to engage more with the world. By blogging, rather than (or in addition to) keeping a personal journal, I am hoping to cultivate this newfound openness.
I am writing this post a few hours before I leave for England to resume my post-graduate studies. It is an exciting time for me and I hope that excites shines through my writing. Last year, for the first time in my life, I wrote poetry. Clunky, angst-ridden poetry, but poetry nevertheless. I also tried my hand at limericks and haikus and was surprised by how much better I was than I had anticipated.
So, this blog will have a mix of prose and poetry and will hopefully be less "intellectual" and judgmental than it was nine years ago. More on that later but, for now, I will end with a quote that resonates with me deeply.

There can be no knowledge without emotion. We may be aware of a truth, yet until we have felt its force it is not ours. To the cognition of the brain must be added the experience of the soul - Arnold Bennett.

The Indian race

The hysteria about “Racists attacks against Indians in Australia” has died down and pubs have restarted serving Fosters (Australian for beer). Of course, Australia is no longer the second-most favoured study destination for Indian students. That honour has now been restored to England.

The good ole deshpremis have roundly condemned the Oz government for not doing enough to protect Indian students. The liberals heaved a collective sighed and introspected on our own racist tendencies. All that can be said has been said and my views on the matter are not very different from those already expressed.

But one thing that just struck me is that if you pick apart the phrase “racist attack against Indians”, doesn’t it sound somewhat fuzzy? For us Indians are not a race per se.

Technically speaking, Indians from the North-East are not from the Aryan-Dravidian stock that the rest come from. On the other hand, a lot of Pakistanis and Bangladeshis do have the same racial roots as us.

Of course, if you leave technicalities and quibbles aside, the aforementioned phrase sounds perfectly natural because we Indians lack an explicitly racial identity. Indians who travel abroad do acquire a quasi-racial identity when they come in contact with other races. I say quasi-racial because that identity is Indian rather than brown or South Asian.

Why is that? Is it because we’ve never been able to get along with Pakistanis and Bangladeshis? Or is it pure Indian hegemony at work—the tendency to assume that anything or anyone from the subcontinent is Indian unless established otherwise.

I’m going to digress for a bit to narrate a conversation that might or might or not be relevant to this post.

As part of an assignment in journo school, a couple of us went to meet an ageing RSS functionary in his ashram. One would expect to see Hindu zealots to see jumping around, tridents held aloft, crying Death to Muslims etc. etc. Yes, the purport of what this guy was trying to say might have been the same but his arguments were much more refined. The first thing he told us that Hinduism wasn’t a religion but a nationality—anyone who is born in India is a Hindu. Which is why they had organized ‘homecoming’ campaigns as opposed to conversions to bring back to the fold Christians and Muslims who had ‘strayed’ from the flock.

I found the argument fascinating and ingenuous in a morbid way. With one swift brush stroke all inhabitants of the Indian subcontinent irrespective of the faith they practice can be branded as Hindus. Of course, this shared Hindu nationality doesn’t stop them from butchering Muslims by the hundreds in state-sponsored pogroms.

Can the same argument be extended to Hinduism as a race?

Is there a subtext to the phrase ‘Racist attack on Indians’ which reads ‘racist attack on Hindus’, or is this is a leap of judgement on my part?

But I do believe a majority of Hindus see Hinduism as being a religion, race and nationality all at once. To most Indians, the terms ‘race’, ‘religion’ and ‘nationality’ all mean the same things. The Indian racial identity is a Hindu identity.

Yawning in protest

What is the nightmare of every leftist? Having to listen to a speech by Narendra Modi and not being able to, rather not having the guts to, heckle him. At a recent conference in Mumbai, the aforesaid misfortune befell him.

The theme of the conference was sustainable development (how original!!) and Modi’s speech was supposed to be the crowning glory.

His speech was along predictable lines—describing Gujarat before him as a state floundering in the darkness and how he came in like a Messiah and lifted the state out of despair. I had heard him speak once in Chennai, before an audience of fanatical Tam-Brams (Tamil Brahmins). He was at his theatrical best then, cocky and eloquent. Here too he was boastful, but as he was speaking before a more genteel audience, his words were measured.

And I just sat there in a corner of that cavernous banquet hall trying to feel outraged.

This was after all the man who had presided over the massacre of more than a thousand Muslims and had turned Muslim localities into modern-day ghettos. But, try as I did, I couldn’t feel outraged. I was more annoyed by his personality, his manner of speaking, his crass boasts. Even if he hadn’t done any of those horrible things, I am sure I would have found him repulsive only if I was made to sit through one of his speeches.

I was still hoping that a less indifferent soul than myself would challenge him or, even better, send a rain-soaked shoe sailing through the air in his general direction (Ever since that blessed Egyptian journo hurled his shoes at George W. Bush, this form of protest has been most in vogue). However, aiming directly at Modi carried the risk of being peppered with bullets by those cussed National Security Group guys.

But no shoes were lobbed at him, no one heckled him and no one challenged him in the questions session. I was in one-sixteenth of a mind to shoe-bomb him but then it thought about what would happen next and put the idea out of my head. At worst, I would have been thrashed by the security guys and some zealous Modi fans, and sacked from my job. At best, I would only be sacked from my job. I had a feeling I wouldn’t go down in the annals of Indian journalism as a martyr to a lofty cause. On hearing news of my sacking, people wouldn’t say, “Oh, he had such a promising career ahead of him and he threw it all away in a moment of passion.” They would say, “I always knew he was weird and this just proves it.”

So, what was my grand gesture of dissent? A giant, albeit noiseless, yawn.

However, there was one moment when Modi really pissed me off and I almost reached for my shoe. In response to a question about what he had done for women in Gujarat, he began, “If I lived in the West, I would be known as a feminist.”

Now, what puts the Gujarat pogrom of 2002 in a league of its own, is the level of sexual violence unleashed against women. Accounts such as that of wombs ripped open and fetuses stuck on tridents and brandished about, of mass gang-rapes, 30, even 40, men taking their turns at one girl, are enough to make the blood curdle in anyone’s veins. And this man has the nerve to call himself a feminist.

Post script: Here is an argument that a lot of Gujaratis make which really gets my goat. They say, “Yes, what happened during 2002 was unfortunate but Modi is a good non-corrupt administrator and has done a lot for the good of Gujarat.” My standard response is, so did Hitler (Umm not for the good of Gujarat, for the good of pre-war Germany). He did start a hate campaign against the Jews which culminated in genocide but he was credited with pushing the German economy out of its post-first-world-war doldrums. The German economy was booming before the Second War broke out and Hitler was known as an effective administrator. The comparisons between the two are unmistakable. Modi is a textbook dictator if ever there was one. He is known to have scant regard for the opinion of any else, he has worked to hard establish something that can only be described as The Cult of Narendra Modi, and he is known to subvert the course of justice when it is seen to be working against him.

The main attraction of a dictatorship for the merchant classes is that they are hasslefree, pro-business and ruthless. So it is not surprising at all that Modi is held up by some as a hero of Gujarat.