Landlord Returns

 My landlord returns tomorrow, so I will have to adjust to sharing my living space with someone else. No more prancing around in my underwear or chucking stuff down the stairs to be picked up later. But, this house has plenty of room, and my landlord seems like a gentle and interesting chap. Living by myself has taken some getting used to. I remember in the early days how the thought of being at home for two days in a row was discomfiting. Not any more, so I wonder how I will feel to share my living space with someone else.  

Encounter Killings

 The trigger for my doom-scrolling today was news of a alleged gangster and former MP being gunned down while in a police custody. A few days earlier, his son had been killed in an encounter in the same god-forsaken state. I am aware how bad social media is for one's mental health. It informs you of everything wrong that is happening in the world, and the manner in which the information is conveyed is meant to arouse your passions. Social media is a great tool for activism, but if you are prone to cynicism and fatalism, then it can be very draining. I realise that life hasn't changed for my upper-middle-class bubble in India, apart from the worsening heat, pollution and traffic. And, it also true that when you are living in India, the chaos drowns out some of the bad news. I am also aware that fresh hells explode materialize in different parts of the world every day. People are killed, maimed, stricken by serious illness, and, if they survive their lives are irrevocably changed. But, I don't need to hear about all of them as callous as that sounds. Its perfectly possible to get worked up about the state of the world regularly without lifting a finger to do something about it. Either lift a finger or don't get worked up. I need to get better at moderating my consumption of news, which is no easy feat, given that I am news junkie. But, like with most things in life, practice helps. 

Grief Vs Adversity

As I was leaving today, I asked a colleague who is also in the job market if he was doing okay. He said he is fine and that these things don't affect him too much. He said that when he lost his mother more than 25 years ago, he realised that there could be no greater pain. Which got me thinking: does grief make you stronger? My experience with grief is limited. My two grandfather who were well into old age, and a close friend whom I hadn't seen in three years and was living in a different country. None of them were part of the tapestry of my daily life. Some day, if I live to a decent age, I will experience grief. but does, grief make you more resilient to future grief? I don't think so. You don't cope with it, you live with it. Maybe time dulls the initial sting, the gnawing pain but the loss remains forever. Do you learn from grief? I havve no clue.

Adversity, on the other hand, can toughen you up. It can teach you about yourself and the world, and how to cope with both. It can make you more tolerant or more proactive or both. 

Introverts Meet-UP Group

I had signed up for a meet-up event of the social introverts group today, but the rain made me miss it. The topic  of discussion for today's event was Myers-Brigs personality types. To be honest, finding out my Myers-Brig personality type did make me feel more normal. My personality quirks that I felt were bespoke turned out not to be so. Maybe it would have been an interesting discussion, maybe not. But I have my doubts whether I would enjoy being part of that group. Most of my closest friends are either out-and-out extroverts or introverted extroverts. I think introverts and extroverts balance each other well. Extroverts draw introverts out of their shell. As an introvert myself, I would find it exhausting to draw another introvert out of their shell. 

Default Happiness Setting

I was talking with a close friend the other day, and, thinking aloud, I told her that I want to be with a happy person. Someone whose default setting is happy, which is not the case with me. The friend I was talking to is going through hell at the moment, but I would describe her default state as happy. As I would of my sister and father. I don't equate chirpy with happy, and I realise you have to know a person well before you can form judgements about their default state. But, then it occurred to me that most of the people I would describe as happy were female, and unhappy would be male. I wonder why that is the case? 

Your default state of mind is usually inborn. I realised that when I met my cousin's son, who is the most cheerful baby I have ever met. Maybe his personality will change dramatically when he grows up, but I doubt it. So, if you are born as a happy or unhappy person, is there hope for you if you are the latter? I would like to believe so. I don't have anything more to say right now, but this is a topic that I will keep returning to because it is so important. 

Hosting

When I moved to this place, one of the things I was looking forward to was being able to host people. I have a bit of my Dad in me, in that I like to pamper people that I am fond of. The difference is there are very few people I am fond of. And, I sometimes end up pampering people that I am not fond of, which I resent. It surprises me how much I resent it. I have one friend who bores me no end, and I still hang out with them. A big problem is this friend is quite sensitive to ribbing, so I can't joss about the way I do with my other friends. I am pretty sure that the feeling is at least partially reciprocated. but, we continue to meet, and it is often I who initiate the meetings. Sometimes it is out of a sense of obligation because they have not been as fortunate as me. Sometimes, it is because group plans don't work out and in the end its just the two of us. Sometimes, it is out of my own loneliness. I don't have a reason to be out of the house on weekends any longer as I don't have irascible housemates. So I am guessing I will get used to spending time with myself. Become more comfortable in my own skin. 

Bad Outcome, But Could Have Been Worse

So, I didn't get the job. Or, at least, I am not their first choice. If the first choice can't or doesn't take up the position or if they open a new position within six months, the job is mine. I am still not sure how I feel about the outcome. When I first saw the email, a tear came to my eye, but it quickly vanished. This was not a dream job, but it was a permanent job. And it is a heterodox department. Not getting this job means my precarious situation continues, and I can't plan for life ahead. But, I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. Yes, I did beat myself up for not having a permanent job, partner or too many friends in Bristol. I whined about not having felt intelligent in a really long time. But, this has whining has gone on for so long, its getting boring. And, I didn't just sit at home and mope. I had plans to go to the gym and go for a bike ride, which turned into a plan to trek Cheddar Gorge with work colleagues. The gorge was beautiful and I had a nice time. Its not easy to trust that all will be well, because of the state the world is in. But, I am prepared to put in the physical work, the intellectual work and the spiritual work for a more peaceful and fulfilling life.