Sunday Scaries

There is a prompt on Hinge which says "How do I fight eh Sunday scaries. It apparently means feelings of anxiety and dread ahead of a new week. I have had my own version of Sunday scaries for the past few weeks, but  my source of anxiety has not been work, but dating. The stories are too complicated to get into  but suffice to say that a lot of the anxiety was self-inflicted and avoidable. Fortunately, this Sunday has been peaceful on that front. 

The Appeal of Jack-Ass

 I have been watching the Jack Ass collection since yesterday. It features a bunch of adventure sports-types pulling stunts and pranks designed to provoke outrage either because of the danger involved or because they are disgusting. The cast members not performing the stunt chortle with laughter when the person performing the stunt is doubled over in pain or retching their guts out. So, why do I enjoy such mindless TV?

Firstly, their talent, their willingness to put their bodies through excruciating pain and court the possibility of life-changing injuries or death is not be scoffed at. These are special people and what they do could be considered an art form. Secondly, with a world that increasingly resembles a dystopian hellscape, mindless TV has its own charm. Jack-ass kind of entertainment appeals to something primitive in us. The urge to laugh when someone falls or gets kicked in the nuts. Importantly, there is no hint of guilt because the people undergoing the pain have a high degree of pain tolerance and get paid millions to perform the stunts and pranks. Also, the fact that a clip made it to film means that the person involved didn't die or was maimed. That said, there are certain pranks that are too disgusting to watch. As an aside, it is amazing how big a role the mind plays in a retching response. 

More Haikus

 I have written before about how prose is not equal to the task of offering solace or succour in periods of great tumult. For that we must turn to poetry. I am no poet, but I can write middling Haikus, or at least I enjoy trying. So here are two I wrote recently:

A guilty silence cannot be shamed into speech

Words cannot be willed out of a closed heart

Lesson Learnt

Peace be upon those who've wronged me

Peace be upon those will wrong me

Just let there be peace

School Shooting

 There was a school shooting in the US yesterday and it has been weighing on my mood. You may be able to get inured  to every possibility, but babies being murdered in cold blood will still be able to crack through the facade. NOt in a war zone, not collateral damage, but in a "peaceful" country, targeted because they were children. By someone who wanted to inflict as much pain to as many people as he possibly could. What else is there to say?

A Slip Is Not A Fall

 Today, I broke my self-imposed rule about how to deal with ghosters. I texted two people who had recently ghosted me. One I had barely chatted with and didn't terribly mind being ghosted by. The other I had met twice and did terribly mind being ghosted by. I had made up my mind not to text her, But I slipped. In my defence, I had a logistical excuse, albeit a flimsy one. I realised I had been waiting for even the weakest reason to text here again, and I jumped when said reason presented itself. What if there actually was a logistical issue? Seems silly to inadvertently end things with someone even if there is an one-in-million chance that logistical issues came in the way? Aww, the stories we tell ourselves. I realise I have ripped the band-aid off a wound that was healing well. Ghosters cannot be guilted into communication because ghosting someone requires an absence of guilt to some extent. If not replying to your first message doesn't make them feel guilty, you second message won't make them feel guilty either. You just feel like a tit for having tried.

But, I am trying not be too hard on myself. Sometimes, it is essential to feel like a tit so that hard lessons are reinforced. To accept that you will sometimes do things that you know are bad for you. But, a slip is not a fall. It is not going to take me another week to get over her. 

Jaa, Jeel le Apni Zindagi

 This is a dialogue from the biggest Bollywood hit of the 1990s. It means 'Go, lie your life as you please', and it is my go-to mantra for the next few days/weeks/months. It conveys neither opprobium nor approval, just light-hearted resignation. A friend texted today that she won't be able to make it on a holiday trip. I don't want to get in the details but my firs response was anger. But, my anger soon melted away and I mouthed this dialogue to her in my mind, even though she doesn't speak Hindi. Its a crazy world that is only going to get crazier, and people close to us will do things that may seem crazy to us, and vice versa. In the grand scheme of things those acts of craziness do not matter. I am taking the same attitude towards the girl who ghosted me (in my mind, of course). Anxiety gave way to indignation and which has now given way to resignation. 

Oven Fire (Almost)

 This evening, I was in my room when I heard my housemate call out to me. This is the housemate with whom my rapport has soured after he threatened to punch me a few months ago. We barely glance at each other, much less speak to each other, so I was a bit startled when he called out to me. But, then, he said he needed my help because the oven was on fire. I rushed down, thinking about what to do. Turns out the fire had gone out by the time I go the kitchen. He had thrown a ton of water on it, and had possibly been alarmed by the smoke. But, what surprised me was my reaction to this non-incident. I didn't start trembling with anxiety, and neither did I feel anger towards my housemate. The shades of the old Sudeep who was the person people turn to during a crisis. I would pride myself on keeping my nerve when the shit hits the fan. I am also hoping that this incident will serve as a reset for my relationship with my housemate. I found it a bit endearing to see how rattled he was. We live in a crazy world that is only going to get crazier, so how long can one hold on to grudges?