The Limits Of Our Bodies

I have been stiff in the joints for as long as I can remember. I can't even remember the last time I could touch my toes without bending my knees. I wouldn't be surprised if I couldn't even as a baby. So, when I took up yoga about 8 months ago, the prospect of improving my flexibility was a big motivation.

There hasn't been a dramatic improvement in my flexibility but I've stuck to yoga because I enjoy it's calming effect. During my yoga class last week, my instructor told me to modify a pose because I "had super-long limbs". And it suddenly struck me that I might never become supple because maybe my body is not built that way. The simple reason why I can't touch my toes without bending my knees is probably because my legs are much too long. When one takes up yoga, it is natural to try hard to strike the right pose. Being able to do so, gives one a sense of achievement, which  is natural given our performance-goals-oriented fitness culture. But, over time, you learn to be easier on yourself. To judge yoga not by flexibility goals, but how it makes your body and your mind feel. I am still far from flexible but I don't plan on stopping yoga any  time soon.

I think the same holds for weight-loss. In my rookie opinion, the biggest factor contributing to slimness is genetics. Some people will never achieve a slim figure no matter how much they diet or exercise because their body  structures and physiologies are different. This is not an argument against exercise and a wholesome diet (both  of which I try to do) but an argument for acceptance of different body types. Slim people blessed by genes shouldn't feel morally superior to overweight or obese people.

Trials of Dating

I have been dating online (on and off) for long enough to know that you cannot take it seriously. As an average-looking (above-average on a good day) guy I also have realistic expectations about the amount of attention I could hope to attract. The general rule of online dating is girls get pestered for sex a lot and most guys get ghosted a lot. I say that with no trace of bitterness. It is just the way it is and if you are not looking for the love of your life or crazy sex than you shouldn't be too bothered it. There seems to be a fundamental mismatch between what most guys and most girls seek from online dating (I am not referring to the hook-up apps but the more general dating apps). Most guys are looking for sex and most girls are looking for emotional connection. If  you are girl looking for sex, you can have your pick of the flock. If you are a guy looking for an emotional connection, too bad. I am aware that I am vastly generalizing, but this is also based on conversations with friends.
Initially, I would be quite disappointed if a prospect disappeared but over the years I have learned to not take it to heart. Until you've meet someone in person they are not real to you and ghosting is par for the course. Even now, I do feel disappointed but those times are few and far between. Like I've said before, its better to be ghosted than have someone continue to speak to you out of the niceness of her heart even when there is no chemistry.
Ever since I put on my profile that I am from India, the matches have become more scarce. I don't know if that's because Indian men are perceived as geeky and creepy. In a country where accents are a big deal, having the decidedly uncool Indian accent is a lady-repeller. However, the bit about me being Indian is a good filter. Fewer matches means fewer pointless questions. Someone whom I would be interested to talk also wouldn't be put off by me being Indian anyway
I have one rule though--never message anyone who hasn't replied to your last message.The rule seems obvious because every successive reminder reeks more of desperation, which is a mood-killer. The no-successive-unanswered-messages also helps to keep online prospects at a distance and not get carried away.
However,if  you meet your online date in person and fall for them hard while they don't feel the same way, it is painful (although that has never happened to me). But, that is good old-fashioned rejection, which never gets easier to deal with.

Lone Fox Dancing

I have been meaning to write on this topic since I resumed blogging and I can't put it off any longer.  The topic is Ruskin Bond's autobiography Lone Fox Dancing, which came out last year. An aside: ten years ago, I had named my blog Lone Fox after the title of his poem Lone Fox Dancing. I don't know why I didn't use the whole title. Maybe, back then, I was too macho to have a title that conjured up the image of me dancing.
I read the book earlier this year when I was holidaying with my family in Meghalaya. The house we were staying in was charming but obviously not built to keep out the cold. In all my time in Europe, I have never felt as cold as I did in that house. The only consolation was that my room had large east-facing windows. Each morning, I would sit by the window, bathing in the sunlight and sipping on the book while occasionally glancing at the open fields outside the window. A magically mellow experience.
I have been a fan of Ruskin Bond since I was a child but hadn't read him in years before I picked up the book. Bond is known for his "simple" style of prose and his humble themes. I feel he is a very loving person, which shines through his writing without seeming mawkish or  cloying. His is not writing that dazzles with brilliance but that charms with elegance.
Needless to say, I loved the book, reading which was a therapeutic experience. I wouldn't say it changed my perception of the problems in my life--my journey through counselling had already set me on the path to healing. Reading the book felt like the final stage of my healing. It was a confirmation of many of the lessons of counselling. When someone you love or admire has faced similar problems as you and come out unscathed, it is a big morale booster. The problems seem just that--problems--not the fruits of your past mistakes or character faults.
The book is a story of a sensitive boy who finds his place in a world that doesn't look too kindly on sensitive males. I would even say its offers an alternative form of masculinity, one which is the opposite of toxic masculinity. A masculinity that doesn't see sensitivity as a weakness or a feminine trait and shows how it is possible to be sensitive without being needy, or effeminate in one's mannerisms (not that there is anything wrong with that).
 It is also an implicit defense of the single life. I feel we generally know what we want and what works for us but are sometimes too afraid to acknowledge it because it is off the beaten path. (Of course, both what we want and what works can change with time and circumstances). So-called free societies can have quite rigid and limiting ideas about the ingredients of a happy life. The idea of going through life without a partner was unsettling to me partly because I had no role models in this regard. Now I do, and singlehood doesn't feel like a burden. Questions such as "Am I meant to be alone?" or "Am I not relationship material?" don't bother me. The twang of envy I sometimes felt when I saw couples being affectionate has lost its bite. Of course, I do feel lonely, as I am sure most people do. But it usually doesn't send me into endless cycles of self-introspection and self-recrimination.
I would recommend the book unhesitatingly, but am aware that my connection with the book is very personal. Other readers might find it less exemplary.
I am not sure I have said all I want to say about this book so I might come back to this topic later.

Pursuing People

As one gets older, one's choice of whom to pursue romantically and platonically changes. When you are young, it is easy to get overwhelmed by your feelings for someone to the extent that you are blind towards how they respond (or don't) to you. This is good for neither side as you often end up hurting yourself in pointless pursuits, while the other person could feel uncomfortable with your attention. With time, you learn to judge better whether someone is interested in you. And, how much to "invest" in a relationship, for lack of a better world. You learn to be kinder to yourself and to not pursue people who make you feel small.

Early-Career Travails

As an early-career academic, I have started finding it difficult to have political discussions with people who hold strong opinions. Last weekend, I was getting a lift back to Bristol from a fellow Meet-up member who was very excited when he discovered that I was a heterodox economics PhD student. We had a conversation in which he grew more excited by the moment and me increasingly uncomfortable. It's not that he knew nothing about economics, but he definitely didn't know enough to justify the strength of his convictions. This may sound pompous but I feel many if not most social science researchers don't hold strong opinions because when you engage with a topic very closely the gray areas are far larger than the black and white ones. Or maybe it is more typical of young academics like me, who are still awestruck by the breadth and complexities of their topics. Maybe more seasoned academics have stronger opinions, although if you are wedded to your opinions you tend not to be open to others, which doesn't  make you a great supervisor, for instance. If you know all the answers, or even all the ways to get there, what's the point in supervising someone who is trying to find answers. Supervision becomes a vanity project.

Maybe impatience is also typical of young academics. I attended a research seminar today which made me feel like pulling out my hair. The presentation,which was made by an associate professor, was of the standard of a mediocre high school essay. It didn't engage with the academic literature at all, suggested a simplistic and vague solution  to a complex problem without any justification and was made with the supreme confidence that only extreme ignorance brings. But my senior colleagues were engaging with the presenter and trying to give her useful feedback. They didn't seem as perturbed as me at all. Maybe that's just the arrogance of a young academic. To assume that someone who doesn't have an academic style has nothing important to say and should be ignored. 

The presenter was also from a poor country like me and I was wondering whether this was the standard I would be judged by too. And whether I should be disappointed or relieved that so little was expected of me. That my identity would entitle me to patronizing kid-glove treatment.

Thornless

During yoga class last week, at one point our instructor asked us to focus on a personal relationship that was troubled. I couldn't for the life of me think of a single such relationship in my life. And I felt extraordinarily lucky. No relationship is ideal but there is not a single one that feels like a thorn in my side. Maybe this is because I  haven't been in England long enough to forge close relationships, and only a close relationship can become troubled. Whatever the reason, I feel extraordinarily blessed. If the same question had been posed to me four months ago, my answer would have been very different. One of the most important relationships in my life was troubled. Or rather, I was still in the process of making it right although I had started the process a few months prior. 

It is always nice to have reminders of how far I have come. Also, a reminder that relationships aren't static and have to be nurtured. But, the nurturing doesn't an shouldn't feel like a chore, at least not all the time. 

My Personal Space, My Fort

This morning when I  walked into the PhD room there was a stranger sitting in the corner with a hood drawn over his head. He looked younger than your average PhD student but his demeanour didn't suggest that he was amiable to conversation so I let him be. I did find his presence distracting, though. When one of my colleagues walked in, he asked him whether he was a new PhD student. It emerged that he was actually a Master's student from a different faculty. My colleague didn't say anything but I felt quite irritated. I am quite territorial when it comes to personal space. I would love to have an office of my own, but failing that, at least an office where strangers can't just waltz in and plonk themselves down at the nearest terminal. So, after about 20 minutes I got up to  tell him that I need to use his computer and that the room was only meant for PhD students. He said he was leaving in one hour but I lied to him that I needed the computer soon. He left without protest.
After he had left, one of my other colleagues asked me what the problem was as there were free terminals in the room. My colleague (the one who had approached the interloper first) said he was worried about the safety of his belongings, and the conversation turned towards that topic.
I had no concerns about the safety of my belongings. For me that, it was mostly about privacy. I don't take kindly to people encroaching on my personal space. I don't consider PhD students as superior to master's students or undergrads and I wasn't offended by the interloper's presumption. But I do believe that we deserve a space of our own to work without distractions. Otherwise, we might just as well work in the library.
My colleagues looked at me with quizzical looks when I told them my problem with the interloper. I wasn't surprised. Most people don't understand. For years, I have chastised myself for being so prickly about my personal space, to no avail. The rest of my family is quite different. Our house in India is open to all manner of young political activists working with my parents. More often than not, I find their presence a nuisance.
I don't care much for private property (although I don't like being taken for granted) but I do care for personal space. I attempt no ideological justification for feeling this way, because you can't justify feelings. Political debates would be much less rancorous if people realized that their political positions were the result of rationalizing how they felt rather than the outcome of clear-headed rational analysis. This is not a defense of illogical or crazy positions but a questioning of the idea that rationality can overpower feelings. How you feel about something can change but that change is rarely the result of rational analysis.
So, I have come  to accept that my personal space is my fort. It is neither right, nor wrong, but just one of my many quirks.