Back To Blogging

 If I look at the annual tally of my blog posts, this is what it looks like: 2022 (60); 2021 (276); 2020 (292); 2019 (244); 2020 (247). The higher tallies of 2020 and 2021 should be put down to me not going anywhere in 2020 and only to Brighton in 2021. And, 2022 was the year I took a break from blogging. I have written before about how I was discomfited by the extent to which I had exposed myself to the world. There is no point in going over that again. All I can say is I am ready to blogging regularly. 2023 is going to be a year of new beginning. A new job (hopefully), a new house (definitely), a relationship (never say never!). I feel like I have so much to do and so little positive motivation. By positive motivation, I mean running towards something, and not running away from something. When I think about all the things I am trying to run away from (my current house, my current job) I feel overwhelmed. I need the reassurance space that is my blog to put some distance between me and my lived reality and not feel engulfed by it. Maybe my circumstances will change. Maybe I will have a housemate or lover with whom I can muse over worldly matters over a cup of tea in the evenings. Until that happens, I plan to blog regularly. I should have plenty to blog about over the next few days and weeks as my India trips always give me a lot of intellectual fodder. After that, its just a question of keeping up with the habit. 

Mice!

 Today, when I got back from London, I saw an open bin with a stick propped up against it standing in the hall. I thought my Irish housemate had gone crazy again. But, then, my crazy housemate walked in and engaged me in a long conversation about our mice infestation. The contraption in the hall was his plan to catch a mouse and he had an even better one--to get a cat. I can imagine few things worse than him having a cat as a pet. But, at least I have some much needed clarity. I need to get out of this house asap. Earlier, I was in two minds about whether to wait till I return from India in Jan. But, I shudder to think about what state I will find the house when I come back in Jan. 

Ghosting on SpareRoom

  I don't like ghosting people nearly as much as I don't like being ghosted. But, its easy for me to say, because, as a guy on a dating app, I am not bombarded by messages and neither do I have to worry about the opposite person turning aggressive. I remember a line from a HIndi poem we studies at school, which I still find pithy and sobering, although I can imagine how it could easily be appropriated by the right. It says "A merciful nature is a virtue only for the powerful, the question of being merciful doesn't arise if you are weak and powerless.". Its easy to say I don't ghost people when I don't have too many opportunities for ghosting, and replying to people is not a massive time sink. But, I digress. I started writing this post because I have been ignoring messages on spareroom from people wanting to buddy up with me. I know I shouldn't feel guilty but as I am writing this post, it is occurring to me that I should keep a more open mind about buddying up. Maybe I will meet a dream housemate this way and we will find our dream house. 

Low Expectations vs Open Mind

Maybe it is the state of the world, maybe it is the state of my mind, but I find it difficult to excited about stuff. So much so, that I cannot remember the last time I was excited about anything. Excited enough not to have to feign excitement even a bit. But, this is not a whine about how grey my life has become. The advantage of low expectations is that they limit your disappointment. If you don't have far to fall, you don't fear the fall. If an event gets cancelled, well, it wasn't going to be a riot anyway. Don't get me wrong. I wish I was able to get more excited about stuff. But, if I am not able to, the next best thing to do is not fret about it. And, life occasionally surprises you for the better. Events that you didn't have much hope for, turn out to be fun. Maybe, calling it low expectations is the wrong way to think about it. Maybe it is going into things with an open mind. 

Trip To Leicester

I have been trying to put my finger on what unsettles me about being in Leicester, and I think I have put my finger on it. It is a magnet for recent migrants from India and definitely feels like India. The Indians there dress like Indians from the plains visiting hill stations. Lots of scarfs, mufflers and even monkey caps. My feelings about India and Indians are complicated and now is not the time to get in to them. But, Leicester is a glimpse of what India would look like if it was only populated by middle-class Indians.

Stand-Up Comedy Show

I went for a stand-up comedy show last evening, and as luck would have it, I a the first to be picked on. Fortunately, the net person he picked on turned out to be gold mine, so it wasn't so bad. The stand-up acts were quite funny, and I am glad I went. but, I do admit to feeling a bit jealous of the wit and the charm of the stand-ups, who were all male. It reinforced the feeling that I have become dumber and less funny over the past two years. Also, I had gone with a meet-up group, and I didn't enjoy the small talk that I had to make wit them. Yes, I know. I find going to a performance by myself weird, and going with a random group of people barely tolerable. But, enough whining, most of the acts were great, and I am glad that I went. 

Six Years Since I Started My PhD

 I started my PhD journey six years ago today. At that time, I didn't imagine it would take so long. But, neither did I imagine I would have to suspend my PHD within five month and take almost a year out. Neither did I or anyone else imagine the hellscape that the world would turn into over the years. And, it is important to keep that in mind. Yes, I have not moved ahead in life anywhere as much as I thought I would. My personal, professional, social and intellectual lives are a shadow what I had imagined for myself by this stage of my life. But, the world is burning, and I am still standing. Milestones are a reminder of how far you have come, but not necessarily on the road you set out on.