Sharing My Experience With Anxiety

 yesterday, I spoke with an acquaintance of a friend who is struggling with anxiety. My friend thought hearing my own experience of dealing with anxiety would help him. I sometimes forget what an achievement it is that I was able to submit a PhD that I am not satisfied. That a few years ago, there was no guarantee that I would continue with my PhD. I don't see it as a big achievement because the thought of quitting never once crossed my mind back then. But what if It had taken me longer to recover? "I took a year out of my PhD to deal with my health" sounds almost normal. But, I two or three years doesn't. Hearing stories of people who are still struggling with long Covid I feel very lucky. But, I should feel proud of myself. Yes, I had the support of friends, family and well-wishers and couldn't have done it without them. But, the prime mover in my recovery was me. I should remind myself of this achievement more often. 

Blogging Is A Habit

I miss blogging, and yet have struggled to get back into the habit. The experience of writing a PhD has left me quite diffident about my writing skills and my researching skills. Its been a while since anyone has praised my writing or my research, and anyone with a weaker tendency for overconfidence my have crumbled by now. But, the point is I miss blogging, I miss writing for pleasure, writing with an explicit purpose, writing that none else would likely read, but writing that is still out there in the world. Its like the difference between singing in an open field with no one around, and singing in your head. I nearly gave up blogging when I realised how personal my blog had become, how I had slowly shed my inhibitions, turning the blog from a chronicle of my musings into a personal diary. I was uncomfortable with how much I had potentially exposed myself to the world. I am still trying to figure this conundrum out, but I am determined to keep blogging. Its a salve for both my loneliness and my overthinking. There, I said the L world. I am someone who relishes solitude, but solitude is hard to find in Tory England. Well, it is what it is. All I know is I'm a happier person when I'm blogging, I am out of the PhD purgatory, and there is no reason not to blog. If someone stumbles and gets a view into my deep, dark mind, they are welcome to it. 

Housemate Travails

 My friends often tell me I should write a book about my housemates experiences. I am sure I have enough anecdotes for a book. As I keep telling people--I started out dreaming that I would live with friends, then I lowered my expectations to people who are clean, quiet and non-crazy, then just quite and not crazy, and now just not crazy. I am in the middle of another war at the moment, and its not pleasant. Something has changed after Long dengue and confrontation stresses me out no end. I realise that eventually he will move and I will move, and his exploits will just be a dinnertable story. But, the interim period is painful, and I have half-heartedly searching for places. The rental scene is not pretty.

PhD Submitted

 I submitted my PhD between classes on Monday, About five weeks ago, I realised that the end wouldn't be as I had imagined when I started. The past few weeks/months/years have been intense that there is so much to process, so much to ponder., that I don't know where to start. But, start I must. All the pressing won't happen through this blog. I gave up blogging late last year, when I realised my blog has become therapeutic writing and that I wouldn't be comfortable with strangers reading it because it offered too much of a window into me. and, then, my PhD consumed me, leaving little appetite or energy for any other form of writing. But, I miss writing, and I miss blogging so I am going to try to resume writing more regularly. 

Reserving Judgement

 Am I a good supervisee? Is my supervisor good? If you ask me these questions today, I would unhesitatingly answer No and No. But, today, is not a good time to answer these questions. I am still in the eye of the storm, emotions and stress are running high and I am seeing everything through rage-tinted glasses. Maybe I should reserve judgement on both these questions until some time has past. Or, forever. Maybe we are both doing the best we can, and that is all there is to it. 

Couples Breaking Up

I have been fretting about my PhD, and a friend I will be visiting the day after just told me she is houseless. She had a massive tiff with her ex-boyfriend and current housemate and has had to leave her home in a hurry. I am also witnessing a 17-year-old marriage crumble on  twitter and even though I don't know the person, I feel sad at how a break-up seems to bring out the worst in people. Or, change people for the worse. Having never been in a long-term relationship, I can't pretend to understand what a break-up feels like. But, even from my remote vantage point it sounds terrible. 

Irrational Anger

I have spent the past few days feeling furious at someone in my professional life. And, I know for a fact that my anger is mostly irrational. The person hasn't done anything to even remotely justify the strength of my feeling. And, I have realised that feelings aren't sacrosanct. Adrienne has a class where she talks about the possibility of controlling your feelings, or at least trying. For a long time, I disagreed with that view (and still disagree with her use of the word 'control'). Having spent a large part of my life repressing how I felt about someone, I was all for letting feelings flow freely. But, people grow and hopefully I have come out of the phase where I had to consciously not repress my feelings. 

No, you can't force yourself to feel or not feel a certain way. But, you can talk yourself down on the anger scale or up a few notches on the mood scale if you realise that your feelings are not based in reality. I use the word rational carefully, but reason has its uses even in matters of the heart. And self-talk can be a vital buffer between your feelings and your subsequent actions. 

Anger at a person is rarely just that. I know for a fact that in this case, my anger at her is partly my anger at myself and my jealousy for her intelligence and success. Unpeeling anger is very useful. It doesn't mean you won't feel that angry again soon, but at least you know that anger will not be overpowering.