Good Faith in Hard Times

When times are tough for everyone, for example during a pandemic that shows no signs of ending, it is easy to assume the worst of every person and every situation. The world is scarier-than-usual place and we, as Kate Tempest puts it, permanently have our "hackles raised and backs against the wall'. At such times, it is difficult to bring good faith to our relationships, romantic and otherwise. Everything that annoys or saddens us feels like it was done in bad faith. We judge the offender as being manipulative, or inconsiderate or mean-spirited or all of the above. If we cause offence ourselves and come to regret it later, we berate ourselves more than usual. Naturally, not a very healthy state of affairs.
If a relationship is worth continuing, it is only worth continuing in good faith because in many if not most cases, one has the option of walking away. If one chooses to stay, one must maintain good faith. Not assume the worst, make allowances for people's behaviour (to a reasonable extent), be kind. I am not suggesting we turn into saints. If a relationship feels toxic at this time, it is perfectly acceptable to put it into cold storage for the time being if ending it completely seems harsh. I also realise that many people don't have the option of walking away/cold storage even if they feel like it. I have utmost sympathy for them, and consider myself very lucky that I am not in that situation myself. 

What Do I Know

After my blow-up while talking to a close friend yesterday, I had a few tense moments talking to my parents today. The first was when they were urging me to network professionally. I listened for a bit but found  myself getting annoyed. Pandemic nerves maybe? That conversation ended only when I snapped at them for treating me like a kid who has never worked in the professional world. Snapping at my parents always makes me feel guilty because I know they will take my bull-shit. Many friends wouldn't, and that's understandable, especially in the middle of a pandemic when everyone is on edge. The second tense moment when my Mom snapped me for dismissing a video she had sent about steam inhalation as a cure/allebiative for Covid-19 without even watching the video. I made it a point to watch the video after our call and my opinion about it remain unchanged. I was in half a mind to send an article saying steam inhalation as a cure for covid-19 was fake news but decided against it. Hopefully, this pandemic will help me get better at letting things be. And maybe inhaling steam does cure Covi-19--what do I know? (I have written before about the usefulness of the "What do I know?" attitude before but can't seem to find the blog. It is basically a combination of humility and detachment).

Pandemic Temper

I called up a close friend today to catch up and our conversation ended abruptly within 10 minutes with both of us doing the smartphone-equivalent of slamming the phone down. The reason: politics. One stray comment led to another and soon we were shouting over the line. I am aware of his political views, which have shifted from centre-right to the centre in recent years and I wasn't gunning for an argument. But what got my goat was his equating the far-right with the far left. 

Finally, I told him that it was no use talking if he was going to shout at me, and the conversation ended with me telling him to F*#$ off. 

Maybe this pandemic has been more stressful on me than I thought. I didn't know I had so much rage bubbling under a relatively calm exterior. I also have some thoughts on the male-friends dynamic here and how arguments can escalate quickly due to too much testosterone (at the risk of essentializing) but I will save those for another day. Right now, I think the lesson is this is a tough time for everyone and its best to cut people slack. There is nothing easier than burning bridges in the heat of the moment. But, now is the time to nurture connections, not sequester yourself from imperfect relationships.

First Farewell

This afternoon, after pointing towards the freshly-made doughnuts she had left for me, my housemate's mother told me via Google Translate on her phone that this was her last batch of sweets as she was leaving for good two days from now. The news came as a surprise to me, and I felt quite sad. I have become used to her cheerful presence in the house even though we can barely communicate as she doesn't speak English.
When I moved in seven months ago, I assumed she was visiting her son, and would possibly return home to Romania for Christmas. The holidays came and went but she remained. I didn't mind because her presence was barely any bother, and she soon started sharing the fruits of her baking with me. She also cleaned the house with unnatural thoroughness, so I had little reason to complain. Before lockdown, I didn't see much of her as I would be at uni from morning to evening nearly six days a week. I would joke to my friends that she must think I am a dolt because she had caught me n a number of occasions struggling to operate some pretty straightforward kitchen appliances, and had stepped in to help.
When we locked down, I started seeing much more of her as she was always in the house and never went anywhere. She continued to ply me with  her baking goods and I started returning the favour. She has a sweet tooth so it was easy to shop for her. She also loves strawberries which made returning the favour even easier.
Her imminent departure has made me realise the importance of non-verbal communication. A warm demeanour and smiles can work wonders, even when no words are exchanged. In fact, I would tell my  friends that one of the reasons I was fond of her is I didn't have to make small talk with her. I will miss seeing her around the house. After she told me she was leaving, I toyed with the idea of getting farewell sweets for her. I had just been to the shops this morning, and it was raining so I was initially disinclined to do so. But, I knew I would regret it later if I didn't get anything for her. Rituals and gestures are important signalling vehicles, as much as lay cynics like me would like to believe they are not.
The next few years are going to bring many upheavals, many life changes, many farewells. Not to overstate the significance of this one, but this is possibly the first one in my life. 

Alone in Death

This evening, my Mom told me that a family friend had died of a heart attack yesterday. He was single and lived alone. The neighbours felt something was amiss as his home was dark in the evening, and broke his door to investigate when he didn't answer the doorbell. I had met the family friend, but was not well-acquainted with him. From my parents and from tributes to him on Facebook, I learnt that he was very warm and outgoing, and one of the anchors of the Bengali community in Thane. But, the part of the story that struck a chord with me is that he died alone.
Long-time single people give a lot of thought to living alone. How to minimize the possibility of illness by taking good care of yourself, how to cope with the inevitable loneliness, etc. But as a young healthy singleton I haven't contemplated what it would be like to die alone. In the UK, one hears stories of old people who die and are not found for weeks because they don't have anyone checking on them regularly. The stories are heart-breaking. Everyone deserves a quick and dignified passing. And families deserve to know of their loved ones' passing so that they don't berate themselves for having gone about their lives in blissful ignorance till the time they found out.
As a singleton who lives abroad, I often think about how my folks would find outif something were to happen to me. My mother, being of a similar anxious bent of mind, has made me pass on contact details of my friends. 

Exhilarating Reads

In my field, one seldom comes across reads that are analytically rigorous and elegantly written--fun engaging in all respects. I read such an article today and felt exhilarated even though it was the end of the day. It was a big-picture article on how economists use data and drew comparisons with the natural sciences as well as medicine. (A part of the reason I enjoyed it is it confirmed some of my misgivings about statistical techniques in economics)The prose was sharp and laced with acerbic wit, which is rare to see in economics because most economists lack the intellectual confidence as well as the writing skills to pull it off. It is my ambition to write such analytically rigorous articles for a non-specialist audience.

Dating Around

Last week, I watched a Netflix show Dating Around in which one singleton goes on dates with five others and picks one for a second date. As with every dating show, casting is key, and the producers of this show have done a splendid job. They have showed that you can have a fun and interesting dating show without people being mean or acting downright bonkers. The chemistry between some of the participants is palpable and it is also fun to guess who the protagonist will pick for the second date. But, it didn't escaped my attention that the men of colour tended to be noticeably more attractive than the white men. And, all the oddballs are white men. I have written before about how white men get a longer leash to be quirky and alternative without being dismissed as undesirable (no ugly hippies of colour). The white women on the show were mostly think and attractive, as expected.

I imagine being a casting director on such a show is a sociological minefield. Class, colour, sexual orientation, attractiveness, body type--there are so many things to consider even before you look at the participants' personalities.