Be Like A Pangolin

In my old neighbourhood (it feels funny saying that) there was a giant graffiti of pangolin on the side of a house. A pangolin is a scaly mammal which rolls itself up into a ball when under threat. My current favourite yoga pose (although its not a recognized yoga pose, its one of Adrienne's inventions) is to roll myself up in a ball like a pangolin. The pangolin pose seems like a fitting response to my current stressful situation. Sometimes when under stress, the correct response is not make oneself big and formidable but small and unobtrusive. If life is going to throw you around, at least you are as well protected as you can be. Since one of the current stresses is due to a fall in my confidence due to a prick to my expansive ego, the pangolin pose also feels humble and salving. Humility and salvation is exactly what I need at this time. In fact, I would go far as to say that the pangolin pose is like to apply to more life situations than the lion pose. 

Taking Back Control

I had never thought I would title a blog with the slogan of the campaign for Britain to leave the EU. But, notwithstanding the fact that Brexit campaign leaders were wannabe fascists, feeling helpless and like a pawn of fate can be quite demoralizing. I am currently in a situation where I feel like I  am being tossed around by the waves in both my personal and professional lives. At such times, radical change is not always the answer, not least because one is not in the right frame of mind to dispassionately assess the possible outcomes of one's actions. Rather, ritualistic actions to show you have some control could be what is needed. Rituals have their place in life. Sometimes, the action itself is more important than the outcome of the actions. Sometimes, action--any action--helps and is better than doing nothing.

Conflict Avoidance

I go to considerable lengths to avoid conflict. The thing about studiously avoiding conflict is the resentment festers--and you also start to resent yourself for not speaking up. Often, avoiding conflict in cases of repeat offences is just kicking the can down the road. Once the can is far enough down the road, it explodes and leads to a bigger conflict than the one you were so keen to avoid. I know all this, but avoiding conflict in the short-term is just easier. And, one has to pick one's battles. Often, it is just easier to adjust to the annoying situation. 

Stiff Hamstrings

Today, I asked my yoga teacher what I could do about the stiffness in the ligaments behind  my knees. She said it was understandable as I had stiff harmstrings, and stiff hips. But, she added that my flexibility had improved a lot since I started attending her class.
I have been doing yoga for two and a half years and attending her weekly class for two. To be sure, I don't do yoga to make my body more flexible, I do it because it helps me relax. But, it would be good to have increased flexibility as a side effect, and for the length of time I have been doing yoga, I don't have much to show on that front. I had starting doing some exercises to stretch the ligaments behind my knees, but today my yoga teacher said those ligaments are not meant to be stretched. They are meant to stabilize the joints. Oops! My efforts to engineer more flexibility in specific joints need to stop, I suppose. 

Mental Toughness

I just read an article about mental toughness of endurance athletes. It defined toughness as "experiencing something that is subjectively distressing, and then leaning in, paying attention, and creating space to take a thoughtful action that  aligns with your core beliefs. I quite agree with this definition. Toughness is not about charging through a tough situation no matter what the cost to your (or someone else's) body or mind. Sometimes toughness entails retreating to regroup or even abandoning the fight completely. As a fitness fanatic, it is the easiest thing in the world to push myself  through  a workout even when my body is protesting, and risking injury or sickness.
As someone who is facing a situation in my personal life where I am torn between persisting and retreating, I could use some mental toughness. My Dad is the toughest person I know and also one of the gentlest human beings you could encounter. I have never seen him fazed by a situation and his threshold for physical pain is the stuff of legends. He is immensely fortunate that he was born this way. The rest of us have to learn through facing the hard knocks of life, practicing techniques that help us cope with stress and reflecting. 

Blue Monday

Today is supposed to be the  most depressing day of the year. It is the middle of winter, Christmas is over and people have been back from long holiday long enough to contemplate the year ahead. I don't care about Christmas and I don't particularly dislike winter but the past few days have been a little blue for me. Today, I had a meeting with my supervisor for my bi-monthly bollocking. It wasn't a bollocking this time, so to speak, but I was told in no uncertain terms that my completion target was very ambitious,given where I am in my PhD. If the point hadn't sunk in, she added that the work I had done so far was not bad by any means, but I still had loads to do and my pace of work hadn't been inspiring. She also said that I still wrote too much like a journalist.
I have never considered myself a slow writer (I used to work for a news wire, for god's sake). So the thought that I am a slow academic writer is sobering. Maybe I am too early in my career to judge whether I will or won't be a prolific academic, but there is at least the possibility that I won't. So far, with typical privileged male confidence, I had assumed I would. And, the bit about my writing being too journalistic stung too. I do have a tendency to use the existing literature as a prop to say what I want to say, rather than to actively engage with the literature. I thought I was getting better at it, but obviously not as much as I had imagined.
Anyway, blue Monday will be over in a few hours. With a new day, comes new hope.

Reading My Blog

Since I resurrected this blog more than two years ago, I have been so focussed on writing on this blog, that I barely ever re-read past posts. Maybe I subconsciously assume that what I have written in the past won't be of interest to me now because my thinking has evolved. Insights into life gained when I was writing those posts are stored away in my mind and so would be boring to revisit. Today, I realize I couldn't be more wrong.

Firstly, this blog is not a chronicle of my expanding wisdom (even writing those words made me squirm). This blog is a rumination on my life at a particular point in time and at a particular place. Yes, there is a therapeutic aspect to it, and I do occasionally gain insights which help me tide over problems. But that is not wisdom, that is self-care. Secondly, one does forget these insights, as I discovered today. Current predicaments often feel like something one is facing for the first time, but that is usually not the case. Chances are one has faced similar predicaments in the past, and it might be useful to revisit posts from that period. Thirdly, brevity is a key feature of my writing, so reading past posts doesn't involve reams and reams of self-indulgent twaddle.

I am going to make a conscious effort to re-read past posts more.