How Do You Solve A Problem Like Betty

 You don't. You simply cope as best you can. Till last week, I don't think Betty had ever used the vaccum cleaner. I used to grudge her never cleaning up the common living areas but I know I wish she had never picked up the vaccum cleaner. Because she NEVER puts it back, and I have to leave a note in the kitchen. She is someone who always finds new ways to inconvenience, and I don't think she even realizes, or even cares. I don't think I have ever met anyone with their head so far up their ass. Whenever she finds a new way to give me shade, I can't help but think of my living circumstances in Bristol. My first landlord was a psycho, the second was good in the beginning but became steadily resentful, and now Betty. On the other hand, I am also proud of how well I have coped in trying circumstances, not just in terms of my housing situation, but generally. A tiny PhD programme, no scholarly community, no one to discuss my work with, very few friends, and being periodically chastened on dating apps. I am still here, and I am not just surviving, I am thriving. These circumstances won't last for long. When ruing one's circumstances, and one is wont to do from time to time, it is easy to forget how well one has coped. I was telling this to a friend whose problems far outweigh mine. We cannot help the hand we are dealt but we can help what we do about it. Or don't do about it. Living through these trying circumstances has taught me so much about myself. I am much more adaptable, resilient and compassionate than I thought I was. And these qualities, which I have discovered or cultivated, will stay with me when my current problems are replaced with new ones. 

End of Teaching

 Today was the last day of teaching for the semester. Teaching this week was a real slog and I couldn't wait to be done with it. But, now that its done I don't feel any relief. Maybe it will take for relief to set in. or maybe I am too numb and shell-shocked to feel anything. This has been a difficult week, and while things are not going to get better in India any time soon, hopefully the worst is behind us, at least in Mumbai. I must consciously make an effort not to think too far ahead, because the future looks grim. Either another Covid wave here or the West will seal its borders to India. I don't know when I will see my family again. I must traverse the uncertainty of post-PHD life against this backdrop. So be it. Despite all that has happened, I am still here and I am not just surviving I am thriving, as much as is possible during a time like this. 

Referencing

 I hate referencing and always it leave it to the end. But referencing has come to the rescue during this dark week. With news of deaths pouring in from India. I am having trouble focusing on writing the methodology chapter of my thesis. So, I have decided to work on the tedious task of referencing. Tedium is exactly what I need at this point in time. Something that keeps the mind occupied but doesn't make heavy demands of it. It also gives me a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day, and the satisfaction that I have done something during the day, apart from doom-scrolling. Hopefully, the blues will pass and I will be able to get back to my writing soon enough. 

Early Morning Dread

 When I switched airplane mode off this morning, I saw a message that Pravin uncle had passed on. This is the second time I have turned my phone on to news of death in less than two weeks. I had slept well last night after news of Ashima aunty's death had wrecked my sleep the previous night. Bad news in the morning wrecks your day, bad news in the evening wrecks your sleep, which wrecks the next day too. I knew this would be a tough month, but anticipating something doesn't necessarily prepare you better for it. This is the World of our times--a cataclysmic event that has touched everyone in India. its safe to venture that most people in India at least knew one person who has died. The old and the inform are not the only ones who are dying, this wave seems to be hitting the not so old and the relatively healthy. The future is disspiriting. As I see it, it involves another wave here later in the year or Fortress Britain. Wither prospect is pretty grim. I have on clue when I will be able to vvisti India again. 

Outer Circle of Friends

 After journo school right up to the time I went to Holland, I was in touch with about 10-15 of my classmates. I initially worked in Delhi, where most of my classmates were. Even when I moved back to Mumbai, there were a fair number of people working in the city. I got along well my work colleagues in business journalism but didn't really hang out with the outside of work, except for one or two. My social circle in Bombay was limited to my school friends and my ACJ friends. I also visited Delhi at least once a year, when I would meet many more people from ACJ. All that changed after I went to Holland and later moved to Bristol. I fell out of touch with everyone except for 3-4 people. Many of the people I fell out of touch with were people I once considered good friends if not close friends. Over the years, I have also become less keener about putting in the effort to maintain friendships especially when it opposite party doesn't as much enthusiasm. I say this without bitterness or malice. Life takes us in different directions, both physically and emotionally. I am not the person I was 12 years ago in journo school, and neither are, I suspect, many of my classmates. Some friendships grow, others wither, that is life. Even the pandemic last year didn't push me to reconnect with many people. 

But, this wave is different. Today, I reached out to some of those good friends from ACJ that I had lost touch with. Some of them were thrilled to see me, others less so. Conversation dried up pretty quickly in some cases, as I suspected it might. Other conversations resulted in tentative plans to Zoom. All I knew is if I didn't get in touch at a time like this, I would never get in touch with them. When the present is fraught, it is not a bad idea to take comfort in memories. And, these people were part of my past, and a mostly happy past, at that. 

The Year of Tears

 If 2020 was the year of fear, 2021 is the year of tears. Just as I got home after a nice day out with friends, I learnt that one of the aunties of my childhood--mothers of my friends--had died. So, the second death of someone I knew personally. I wonder what the tally will be at the end of the year. II hope I am not overdramatizing for literary effect, There are deaths that bruise you, deaths that singe you and deaths that break you. In my life, I have experienced several of the first category, just one of the second category and none of the last category. Countless people in India are experiencing and will experience the second and the third categories of losses. How does one cope with such a year? Cry more, laugh more and try to keep busy in the intervals, I guess. I wonder what rituals we will develop to mourn the people we lose.

Indian State Election Results

 I was talking to my cousin today, who wondered aloud whether India would still wait for Modi the next time around. The cousin's initial attitudes towards Modi, in my estimation, ranged from favourable to ambivalent. But, as more people get converted to the anti-Modi cause, people like me, who have detested Modi since the Guajarat riots of 2002, have other concerns. My concern is what shape India will be in by the time the next general election rolls around/ Will it still be a functional state? I have always argued that fascism, beyond a point, cannot be contained. It either has to be vanquished, like in WWII, or it burns itself out, as well as burning much of its surroundings. I hadn't imagined fascism in India would burn so quickly and in such spectacular fashion. Which is why I am indifferent to the state election results due tomorrow. One of the states is West Bengal, which Modi and his cronies have been eyeing for nearly a decade. If they win, it would be the biggest feather in the Hindutva cap. I admit I would be marginally happier if they lose. But, they is no looking away from the damage they have done and will do until the next general election.