The Dust Settles

After buzzing with uncharacteristic over the past two days, my Twitter notifications indicator has gone silent again. The validation nudges can become addictive very quickly, and when they stop they leave behind an uncanny silence. I  still check my Twitter page occasionally to see if any has liked or retweeted my article, but realize that its for the best that the world has moved on. Eventually so will I, although I must admit that coming down to earth after walking in  the clouds is not a pleasant experience. There is also some guilt for getting carried away in the first place, which I trying my best to resist. At the end of the day, we carry our triumphs and losses much longer than the world does. How to maintain equanimity amid heady triumphs and grinding losses is an invaluable skill that is difficult to learn. 

Polymaths

Reading about great thinkers of the past, one often encounters the word 'polymath'. In my own discipline of the economics, some of the polymaths are Jospeh Schumpeter, JM Keynes, Adam Smith and, of course, Karl Marx. While people who show mastery of a particular subject are rare enough, polymaths are even rarer as they  show mastery over a number of subjects. A good friend of mine is a polymath and I just spent two hours talking to him. He graduated at the top of his class from India's premier engineering institute, almost completely a PhD in computer engineering from Notre Dam university, left it to do a diploma in journalism, finishing at the top of the class (which is also where we met) joined a national newspaper as a journalist and became the editor's blue-eyed boy, quit to follow his wife to Sweden where he was offered a PhD position by a statistics professor whom he managed to impress over a casual chat, finished a PhD in statistics and immediately got an assistant professor position at VirginiaTech. His newest hobby is ancient Indian philosophy and he has been reading original texts written in Sanksrit. If wishes were horses he would do a PhD in it.

In the age of specialization, its not easy to be a polymath. Our age rewards focus and specialization. I am no believer in the cult of the genius who can save the world. Polymaths are just great fun to be around, especially if  they are humble like my friend. And, it is a sobering experience being around one. Since I have spent the past few days with my head in the clouds after my article was published, I could do with some humility.

On A Cloud

So, the academic paper that I started working on two and a half years ago, finally came out today. It is my first-ever peer-reviewed publication (co-authored with my PhD supervisor), and I am quite proud of it. I let my family know and mailed it to them and a few friends, posted about it o Twitter and Facebook and went back to working on my PhD. I was monitoring how many likes and retweets it was getting on Twitter and till noon it was barely getting any love. I was a little disappointed but didn't give it much attention thinking people were off Twitter as it was the weekend. But, then my supervisor and co-author, who has 50 times as many as Twitter followers as me posted about it, and it exploded. Nothing that I have ever posted has got anywhere near as many likes, tweets and comments as this, and I felt a little overwhelmed. Social media is addictive and ever like or retweet is a nudge of validation that wears of quickly and keeps you wanting more. It is possible to spend inordinate lengths of time staring at your screen, waiting for the likes and retweets to come in. I know because that it was I did today, barely managing to get any work done today. I felt like I was walking on clouds for most of the rest of the day. I realise that this is just the initial reaction. Once people read it and if it half as good as I think it is, they will disagree with parts of it. On Twitter, disagreement is often expressed freely and aggressively. And the nudges of validation could quickly turn into jolts of disapproval which a sensitive soul like me might struggle with.
But, I can worry about the popularity of this article going to my head, I can worry about potential challenges. I can worry about how some glaring errors may have sneaked into the published version, which would be unforgivable for a former  journalist like me. And, all this worrying won't make a jot of difference. The simple story is an article that I worked hard on and am proud of has finally seen the light of day. The fuss will settle down sooner than I think and I will go back to working on my PhD.

World War 3

I woke up to the news that the US  had assassinated a top Iranian general in Iraq, by far the most serious escalation in the US-Iran dispute. Yesterday, the news was full of images from Australian bushfires that had already burnt through 12 million hectares, and floods in Indonesia. Fascism and climate change locked in combat over who can destroy our world faster, welcome to 2019. I have often written on the hopelessness, frustration and anger that comes with living in the time of peak fascism and climate change, but it does feel like a new challenge to one's sense of equanimity comes every day. Just as you feel you have steadied yourself to the latest disaster, a new one comes along. I acknowledge that I am not directly affected by most of these events, cocooned as I am in British academia. But the evens do take a toll, and it takes active effort to compose oneself. The world as we know it exists as much in our minds as the physical reality around us. In the age of hyper-connectedness, we feel every disaster more than we would in the  past. Which is why it is important to try to disconnect from the world in our minds and focus on the physical world around us. Yoga encourages one to focus on the breath, the most fundamental way in which our bodies connect to the world. I have often written before on how the breath represents the union of the mind and the body. I will have to learn to focus on my breath even more in the coming days, weeks, months and years.

Night Out In Bristol

Now, that I have got my profound reflections on the end of 2019 and the beginning of 2020 out of  the way, I can move on the more flaky stuff like my first night out in Bristol, and my first night out in four years. When I was making plans for NYE with a friend, I was hoping that the plan would be us hanging out at her apartment with her housemate. But both she and her housemate were eager to go out. I was hoping that we would spend most of our time in their apartment and step out for a short walk around midnight, but I realised that was not to be when I reached their place and saw them both decked up to the nines.
But, it was NYE so I resolved to be a sport about it. When we reached their regular waiting hole there was barely anyone and both of them looked disappointed. I didn't care either way. But the live Irish band was good and after midnight the cloud started tricking in. Eventually, we made it to the dancefloor. Back in Holland, which is the last time in life that I went partying, I was always a reluctant dancer because many of my friends were Latino and I felt like a golem next to them. I am a pretty decent dancer but only to Bollywood music. In England, though, the men are terrible dancers, so I didn't feel very conscious as I stepped on to the dance floor. It was fun but I couldn't let myself go. I was aware that I was the only man of colour and felt that I had to be on my guard. It would have been different if I was with a large group of friends, but I wasn't and my antenna was tuned to catch the first signs of hostility. Even if I got hit, at least I wouldn't be caught unawares.
No night out in England is complete without a bar fight, and sure enough there was one. When the clock struck three, the  creepy men crawled out of the woodwork to prey on inebriated girls. We left shortly after.
All in all, my night out was fun, but mostly so because I hadn't been out in years, and knew that I might not go out partying again for a few years.

New Year

This is going to be a big year. If things go according to plan, I will finish my PhD and start a career in academia. I wish to stay on in the UK, and preferably at my current university, but wishes are not horses. The world is changing so fast that 'the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry'. Living with constant uncertainty is something my generation has had to get used to. Insecure jobs, precarious housing arrangements are a part of our lives, not to mention the political upheavals we are having to live through.
How does one avoid feeling unmoored and  anxious in this fast-changing world? Maybe constancy  has to be cultivated, not hoped for. Obviously, one's sphere of influence in this matter is quite limited. So one has to find those people and activities that make one feel more secure and at peace with the world. For me, that is yoga and writing. I  try to do both religiously and they have brought a lot of peace to me. Apart from family and close friends, they are my constants in this world.
I am also trying to channel my anger and frustration with the state of the world into my PhD. There will be a lot of distractions over the next six months. The flames of fascism are likely to rise higher. But, I am trying to tell myself that the best thing I can do to help the resistance is to finish my PhD as fast as possible and join academia as a critical scholar and teacher. I am not an activist by personality and the self-preservation gene in me is too strong that I won't stick my neck out too much. I have made peace with both truths.

Another Year Ends

This year wasn't a Watershed Year, and neither is next year likely to be, unless 'that' happens. And, 'that' doesn't refer to anything to do with my career or any unforeseen event. And, that is all I am going to say about that. 

But, just because it wasn't a Watershed Year, doesn't mean it wasn't an eventful year. As  I look back on it, I feel abundantly blessed. Sure, there were minor hiccups and disappointments, as there are always, but it was a definitely a good year for me personally, even though the fires of  fascism reached new heights. I spent almost of the year in India for my PhD research. At the beginning of the first trip, I had no idea what I was looking for. But, I muddled around, fiddled in the dark, and found my way. The second trip was longer than I needed, but I had no way of knowing that. All in all, the trips were a success and my PhD has a clear direction, even if there is still a long way to go. Along the way, I realised that I want to stay on in England after I finish and I told my parents. The signs were all there because they  didn't seem in the least bit surprised.

Back in Bristol, I moved into a new house, leaving behind a landlord who had rescued me in my hour of need three years ago but had grown increasingly hostile over this year. But, I bear him no grudge and neither do I rue the loss of a friendship born out of fate putting us together. People change, circumstances change, and it is best to move on with as little bitterness in one's heart as possible. I also made another close friend, who is now my best friend in Bristol. On the romance front, there wasn't much to report. But, that doesn't mean there were no takeaways. I realised that I am not going to settle or be in a relationship with someone who doesn't make my head spin. That  might mean I will be single for a long time, if not forever, and I am okay with that. The world is changing, and social norms of what constitutes a "settled"  existence are bound to change too. 

Time to head for my New Year celebration now. Next year is going to be a big one, but I can write about it tomorrow, and for the rest of the year.