The Banality of Closeness

Observing close friends and lovers interact can often be a tiresome experience, because they are in a world of their own. They revel in each other's presence, not words or actions. Which is why, to an observer, their words and actions might seem irritatingly banal. He would probably judge them as banal uninteresting people, which would be his loss. 

What Do You Want?

At yoga this evening, the teacher asked us to sit opposite someone else and tell them what we want from life, if we so wished. I really dislike these "bonding" exercises that the teacher throws at us towards the end of the class every few weeks. Today's exercise was as awkward as I had expected. I was sat opposite to young girls who seemed to have a pretty good idea of what they wanted, even though it sounded really vague to my cynical ears. I mumbled something about wanting to be at peace with myself and went back to cringing. But, the question itself is quite an interesting one.
It came up frequently during my counselling sessions, and I quickly realized that figuring out what one really wants is no mean feat. Because to get to that answer, one has to penetrate the haze of what one thinks one should want. And that is extremely difficult if not impossible because we are social beings with wants and desires that are conditioned by our social milieu. The best we can hope for is figuring out what we need, what is likely to serve us at a particular point in life and what is likely to harm us. And that is slightly easier as we have past experiences to guide us. 

Choosing Tables

I am suffering from a mild case of post-vacation blues but one thing I don't miss is having to pick which table to sit at for meals at the summer school. It is such a complex decision that I am sure some mathematician must have come up with an algorithm for it. Pretty early on, I learned to avoid the Argentinian table because they would talk mostly about football, break into Spanish frequently, and apologize profusely for both transgressions. Of course, they were not always together, but when they were, they were best avoided. I also learned to avoid the Trento table as they clumped together and wouldn't mix much with the rest of us. But, even with those two rules, decision-making didn't become much easier. One had to pick a table where one is likely to have a good conversation. But, one couldn't pick the same partners over and over again for fear of seeming clingy, especially when there isn't anyone you get along with like a house on fire. Alas, the dance of decorum--jumping through hoops to keep people at a certain distance and certify your autonomy--which can only be abandoned in the presence of heart friends. Then, you sympathize with the misfits but don't want to be stuck at a table full of misfits because you would be bored out of your skull. And, then the million-dollar question. Imagine you enter the dining room and there are a few people already seated at different tables. Which table do you pick? If you pick one, would the other table be offended or relieved or (most likely) indifferent? Or should you start at new table, leaving it to fate to decided your dinner partners?
This is the overthinking over-self-conscious me and to be honest, I really wasn't tearing my hear out over this decision. But I don't think even the coolest cucumber at the summer school could deny that picking dinner tables requires some thought.

Summer School

I started writing this while I was sitting in a restaurant at Verona airport, waiting to board the flight back to London. The past two weeks feel like a blur and I suppose I will take some time to digest my summer school experience. It felt bittersweet as I was saying goodbye to the others. I didn’t make any fast friends and I won’t really miss any of them, but they were an amiable set of people. Wedded to their formal models but open to other ways of doing economics. What I noticed was that most of them were not really interested in social or political issues, so conversations would either be small talk or about economics. Which is fine, because that was why I was there. Talking to others gave me insights into the discipline and how it is practiced. I learned that epistemological differences—ways of knowing—are at the heart of the gulf between economics and the other social sciences. That gulf doesn't look like its going to be bridged easily.

I also found people strangely resistant to the term 'heterodox economics'. There was a sense that heterodox economics was just not rigorous enough and people preferred the term pluralistic economics, which I suppose means working to reform the mainstream theoretical tradition from the inside. Most heterodox economics follows the same methodological tradition--logical positivism--as mainstream economics but subscribes to alternative schools of theory. Critical social sciences, on the other hand, challenge the methodology of economics and are thus one more level removed from mainstream economics. 

What I learned is that the mainstream is more diverse and vibrant than the  heterodox schools would have us believe. I met a few fellow participants who had been disillusioned by their training in heterodox traditions and had shifted to more mainstream departments. I suppose they would characterize themselves as the critical approach to mainstream economics. 

It is an open question whether one should try to challenge mainstream economics from the inside or leave the umbrella of economics entirely. I don't think I can position myself tactically and would go  with my gut, which says that there is so many exciting ways to do economics that I shouldn't bother with criticizing the mainstream. Create, rather than critique. Leave the intra-disciplinary struggles for hegemony, which strengthen disciplinary boundaries, to other people, and look to swim in other disciplines. Don't advocate for interdisciplinary research, but do interdisciplinary research.  

Anniversary

Exactly one year ago, I saw my counselor for the first time and also started following Adrienne's Youtube channel for yoga. I am not big on anniversaries but this is a milestone to be celebrated. One year ago, I couldn't have imagined that life held so much possibility. While I was past the pits, the picture stilled looked bleak. Counselling and yoga lead me on a journey of self-discovery that has enriched my life beyond imagination. I was incalculably blessed to have the support of family, friends and colleagues, who, without exception, offered me only love and kindness, even if they  couldn't understand what was ailing me. 

My journey of self-discovery has helped me discover an inner kindness towards myself as well as the world. I am a better person as well as a better researcher than I was a year ago. Life is far from perfect and I am a different person than I was a few years ago. Sometimes that difference feels like weakness, especially during difficult situations that the old me would have confronted without missing a heartbeat. That old stoicism now feels like if not a lie, at least a coping mechanism that has stopped working for me. It was difficult to accept that anxiety affects me as stoicism was firmly built into self-image. But I have a healthier relationship with anxiety now as I am trying to listen to it rather than run from it. Anxiety is a peerless spur to action and  I am pretty certain I wouldn't have been able to get through the crazily busy past few months if not for occasional kicks on the backside from anxiety.

Post presentation

So, the presentation went off quite well. I was nervous before it, but was fine as soon as I started. The feedback was positive but wasn't particularly useful. For me, the presentation was more of a confidence-building exercise as I wanted to present before an audience of quant-oriented economists. I was the only one presenting today who wasn't doing anything quantitative and I felt a pang of inferiority immediately afterwards. As though, what I was doing wasn't substantive because there were no numbers involved. But, two people told me later that they really enjoyed my presentation, which pleased me. 

Hopefully,  my generation will tear down the Chinese walls between the various social sciences and make interdisciplinary inquiry a cornerstone of our approach. And I've made up my mind that I won't pander to expectations in my PhD. I have been through too much to compromise on my research interests. If I can't do what I want to do, I might as well drop out of the PhD programme. I also feel that these expectations are mostly in my mind. While people might themselves not take the path less trodden for a variety of reasons, they are supportive of those that do. That said, the going is tough and lonely for interdisciplinary researchers. One has to build a certain amount of resilience. 

Presentation

I am due to present my PhD thesis at the summer school two days from now, and my confidence is oscillating like a yo-yo. I am quite curious to see how it will be received. Sometimes, I felt it will be met with rapture, other times I feel it will be met with ridicule but chances are, it will be met with  indifference. Like a pebble falling into a pond, with the tiniest splash. We overestimate our importance in the lives of others, especially strangers. Sometimes the people around me feel so much smarter and more knowledgeable than me, at other times, it is the opposite. I am aware that I need to do this for myself, to build my confidence and I shouldn't really expect validation from this audience as they are outside my subject area.
At such times, I draw on the wisdom of Adrienne and remind myself to breathe."This is where I am and this is what I am working with". Or "Don't be so hard on yourself". These phrases might seem quite trivial but they are part of the yoga practice, which targets both the mind and the body. Which is what makes them special and solace-providing.