Learning like a social scientist

I am having a lot of success rationalizing my excessive question-asking at the summer school. It just occurred to me that physical scientists (and economists) and social scientists of a critical bent learn differently. Scientists look for patterns and consistency, while social scientists look for chaos and inconsistency. Scientists look for solutions to problems, while social scientists look to problematize accepted wisdoms and  solutions. Which could be why social science students asks so many questions and scientists don't. It sounds like a rank generalization but I am going to leave it here.
Also, I have realized it is easier to asks questions in class than after class. In class, you ask a question, you get the answer or an admission or an evasion and you are done with it. No small talk, no trying to size up a situation and figuring out when to end the conversation. None of these skills come naturally to me, so I  am perfectly happy to run the risk or sounding stupid or arrogant with my excessive questions. I have just met one lecturer with whom I would have liked to have an extended conversation and I did. With the others, I am just not that interested in their topics beyond understanding in a very broad  sense what they are up to. 

Social Skills

I have sympathy for the socially excluded, as I have often felt isolated myself. In new surroundings, some people gravitate towards each other faster than others and that depends both on the nature of a particular person and the nature of the other people in the group. I have felt at home in some groups almost instantly and never managed to feel at home in others. Over the years, I have become reasonably confident of navigating in groups that are not my natural habitat, mainly because I have become more comfortable with myself and with spending time by myself without any bitterness or rancor towards the group that I don't feel a part of. But, I know what it feels like to feel alone in a crowd and I have sympathy for social misfits.

So, when one of the people in my group asked me if he could join me on my weekend plan I agreed. He is not a social misfit but what I would call a sensitive boy lacking in confidence, which could partly be because he is younger than me. And, while I like being by myself, my solitude is not sacrosanct. I can give it up if it makes someone feel less alone. Our little group grew and soon we were five.

One of our members is a weirdo, so I had sympathy for him. I would pull his leg because that is my way of making some people seem less annoying to me, but he didn't get my quips most times and didn't seem to mind when he did. We accommodated him and one of us even accompanied him to a museum he wanted to see while the others waited. And then, towards the end of the day, he just disappeared without so much as a by your leave. We waited for him to reappear and finally called him, which is when we learned that he was already on his way back.

We cursed him and got on our way, when he finally reappeared at the train station of our summer school. I had nothing to say to him and neither was I very angry. The others remonstrated with him but I just couldn't be bothered.  I suppose as you get older, you start to respond to more situations with indifference rather than anger. He certainly lacks in social skills but that is not my problem. Maybe he needs help, but I am not the one to help him. Not all socially excluded people are nice and I have little sympathy for those who are not. 

Asking Too Many Questions

I am one of the people who asks questions most frequently at my summer school, and I have already asked some stupid ones. I admit that all my questions were not motivated by an innocent and earnest quest for knowledge. I have sometimes asked questions to appear and feel smart.
But, today, I felt unusually stupid after asking questions about a topic that I  knew nothing about. Maybe it is arrogant to assume that you can get a basic understanding of every topic in macroeconomics. I just felt really stupid after asking the question and decided not to ask any more during that session. 
But, I don't want this to turn into a self-flagellation exercise. I am sure people don't as much thought to me and my questions as much as I think they do. I am sure most of them don't conclude that I am either smart or annoyingly arrogant. Another instance of a human putting himself at the centre of other people's existence. And I am not here to  win friends and influence people. I am here to enjoy myself and learn something in the process. And, I am quite enjoying myself.

Ways of Learning

I was talking with one of the guest lecturers at the summer school and he was saying he found it astonishing that PhD courses in England were just three years long. He was saying that it was impossible to learn much in three years and that we should be required to take more courses. I told him that I preferred the English system because I wasn't fond of taking courses. He basically scoffed at me, which would have been more annoying if I wasn't planning on criticizing his work in a forthcoming paper (I don't want to get pally with him for that very reason, and neither am I getting friendly vibes from him, so everything is as it should be).

But his reaction got me thinking about the purpose of teaching. Is it mainly to explain or to inspire? I feel above a certain level it is definitely about inspiring students to think bravely. My preferred learning strategy is reading something, writing about it and receiving feedback on my writing. Teaching, after all, is imposing one's interpretation on one's students. The students feel challenged to understand your interpretation and not the concept itself. This is not to say that teaching cannot be a learning experience for the teacher. And, may be I am being a little arrogant when I imply that I don't need a teacher to teach me. I guess what I am saying is my  bar for a good course is quite high. It must be inspiring, enlightening, and not just elucidating. 

That Familiar Feeling

My first few days among new people. Feeling like they are all morons, but a tiny bit jealous that they all seem to get along with each other. It happens every time and, yet, it feels like a novel experience each time.

I take my time warming up to people unless it is someone I instantly hit it off with, which  happens once in a few years. I know myself well enough not to chastise myself for acting and feeling like a loner. People never give you as much thought as you think. 

So, I  am just going to go with the flow. Our sit-down meals demand socializing but the rest of  the time is mine to do as I please. If I feel social, I will hang around after meals and if I don't I will excuse myself. I don't owe anyone anything other than basic courtesy.

There is a bit of a problem though. Another guy from India on the course sticks to me whenever he  can and now wants to do a group project with me. He is a nice enough and intelligent enough guy, but I feel quite disinclined to work with him. I don't want to tell him that and risk alienating a potential future contact. And isn't the point of these paid-for vacations to make contacts? On the other hand, if I am not working with him, I should tell  him sooner rather than  later, I suppose. He sent me a long email with ideas and about 10 readings, which almost made my knees buckle. I guess at times like  these the best thing to do is sleep over it.

All My Bags Are Packed

I am all packed and ready for summer school in Italy. Two weeks of macroeconomics surrounded by the Dolomite mountains. I am surprisingly unapprehensive about  meeting 30 fellow PhDs/early-career researchers and I suppose I have my meetup experiences to thank for that. If I can land up at a stranger's house in a posh neighbourhood for a meetup event knowing fully well that I might be the only non-white, non-Brit there and not just surviving but mostly enjoying myself,  I should be fine. And these are PhD students, so chances are they are even more socially awkward than me. I am a little apprehensive about the content of the course and the fact that it will be heavily modelling-based. A lot of it might just go over my head. But I am deep enough in my own research to know that what I am doing is not worthless. I will do my best to keep up, but I won't beat myself up for slipping. At worst, it will be a half-holiday in the lap of the Dolomites. At best, I will make new friends and connections, which might even lead to some collaborations. I am going to keep an open mind and an open heart. At the very worst, it will just be fodder for my blog.
Which brings up another question. I  don't know if I will be able to or inclined to blog or do yoga on my trip. Maybe I will decide to take a break from both activities that have served me so well this past year. But, even if I do, I am sure that I will be back.

Gratitude

This evening, I was looking through my yoga downloads wondering which video to do when I came across a gratitude practice. I immediately knew that was it. Last month was crazy. I had a lot to do--intellectual labour, emotional labour as some problems cropped up in my personal life as well as loads of running around to sort out  the logistics of my upcoming trips. I had to complete my paper, write up my progression report, hustle for my visa, deal with losing my wallet, dealing with being kicked out of our PhD room and also with a virtual stalker. But everything turned out fine and while my old friend, anxiety, called a couple of times, I never really reached the brink of despair.
Not only am I grateful for my good fortune but I am also grateful that I am learning to be kinder to myself when it feels like fate is turning against me or when I see the brink approaching.  Life is difficult, beset with problems, and we all have expectations and obligations--of ourselves and other people (and vice versa)--which we can't just wish away. But, I feel like we all can tinker with our lives to make them slightly easier. And, when the shit is raining down from the skies, a slight respite can be the difference between coping and throwing in the towel.
I am  trying to convince a friend that while it is difficult to control our thoughts, it is easier to identify our triggers/damaging behaviours and keep away from them. Of course, easier said than done and it requires self-discipline and supportive friends/family. But, with practice, we get better at it.
Another friend asked how I cope with my  wobbles. I told her yoga and blogging. I don't feel great after yoga session or after writing every blog. But, instant gratification is hardly the  goal here, and on balance, I can confidently say that my life is significantly better for having yoga and writing in it.
Has this blog become too preachy, sanctimonious even? I hope me talking about my own experiences makes my sermonizing more palatable. Or maybe it is making me seem even more self-obsessed. Well, in that case it is a good thing that I have such few readers :-)