Reading Blogs from Years Ago

Today, I read some of my first blogs, which date back to 2006. I was struck by both the quality of the writing and the quality of ideas. Both were not too different from the present, which was surprising because I had imagined I am both a better writer and wiser person now. Back then, I only blogged if I had a clear idea for a blog and was sure I had something at least mildly interesting to say. I didn't sit down at my computer and allow thoughts and words to flow (or not) as I do now. But, on the point of feeling I have become wiser, I feel it would be more accurate to say that I have become more comfortable with myself. And, that comfort stems from a place beyond the reach of logical reasoning. This is not to say that analytical reasoning doesn't play a part in my emotional well-being. But, its not a replacement for life experiences, openness and guidance from others. I may have become wiser as a lot of people do with age, but my greater comfort with myself doesn't stem from wisdom. If anything, the causality may be the other way around. 

Taken For Granted

Today, I ticked off a friend who hadn't given me a straight answer when I had messaged to plan a meet-up and out-of-the-blue asked if we were meeting today. I guessed that he had had other plans which fell through. Since the sun was out today, I toyed with sweeping my annoyance aside and meeting but I dropped the idea pretty quickly. I am someone who is quick to respond to texts and messages. Over the years I have learnt not to expect the same of other people, but there is a difference between responding late or missing seeing the message and not bothering to respond. Being conflict-averse, expressing discomfort doesn't come naturally to me but I am learning that you are ultimately responsible for setting the tone of your interactions, especially in relationships you can walk away from. If someone treats you badly and you don't  call them out on it, when the repeat their behaviour, you are at least partially responsible. Burning bridges is not easy, especially when you don't have a lot of bridges, but its not healthy for your self-esteem if you continue to cling to a creaky bridge. In any case, and this is a topic for another day, I am increasingly trying to come to terms with being an island. 

Speaking with Authoritativeness

I often wonder when I will be able to speak with assurance and authoritativeness about my subject area. Something I have noticed over the past few weeks is the high degree of authority with which some young people speak on Twitter. There is nothing original or enlightening about most of the takes, but that is besides the point. Their confidence is what I find fascinating. Most of them are just a few years out of PhD programmes and some of them don't even have a PhD. I am that stage of my PhD where I feel like the little I could say with confidence is so obvvious that its better to keep mum. In the first eyar of my PhD, I was brimming with confidence. I would be an active participant in conferences and workshops, and gae no thought to the possibility that I was asking stupid questions or giving stupid answers. Around the second year, my confidence started to flag, when I realised how little I knew. I am in my final year now, and although I know more, I feel like I have nothing new or original to offer. A PhD is essentially an exercise marking your intellectual territory and building an intellectual edifice for your subsequent efforts. You may chose to move from that territory, but that is easier than marking your territory for the first time. Maybe I will be able to speak with confidence when I have a territory marked and an edifice in place. 

Productivity vs Progress

I have been struggling with my productivity these past few weeks, so when I came across a tweet yesterday which said one should look at progress and whether one feels fulfilled, not productivity. Productivity is a physical metric--number of words, chapters, etc.--whereas progress is more subjective. I would say I am making progress, even though it isn't showing yet in terms of physical output. Do I wish I was progressing faster? Sure, who doesn't? But, I am not wracked with guilt over not spending enough time working or feeling stuck because no wheels in my head are turning. Keeping faith in myself is difficult at times, believing that there will be a stonking PhD at the end of this tunnel. But, trying to complete a project like this in the middle of pandemic, spending month upon month working in the isolation of my bedroom requires oodles of faith. 

Let's Not be Afraid to Challenge Travel Culture

This was the headline of a Times story I came across today, or at least that was what I thought at first blush. My heart leapt with surprise that the Times was panning travel culture but my joy was short-lived. The headline actually said 'traveller', and it was just another bigoted piece in that stuffily odious paper, this time targeted at gypsies.

Travel is in the news because the British government has slapped a 14-day quarantine on all travelers from Spain. Naturally, the tabloids are reacting as though the government legalised crack cocaine. Try as I might, I can't muster sympathy for those affected by this decision. Serves them right for trusting this government when it urged them to go on holiday. And serves them right for participating in the ecologically ruinous, racist and exploitative travel culture. yes, maybe the quarantine was very difficult on some of them and they were looking forward to an overseas holiday. But, I will save my sympathy for frontline workers and the Covid-bereaved. 

Will this be trauma enough to drastically reduce the appeal of low-cost holidays? I am not betting on it. On the radio, I heard that people had already started moving their bookings to other overseas destinations. 

Social Interaction

Till yesterday, I used to think my problem was I don't have a life outside my PhD, so if the PhD wasn't going well, I would be blue. That is not true. While it is true that I don't have much of a social life, I do have a rich inner life. For an introvert life, building a social life is a tedious task even in the best of times. During Covid times, it is nigh impossible. Accepting that I am loner who has a rich inner life which he is open to sharing with the right people has not been easy. A part of it is societal expectations, a part is the reality of loneliness. The departure of a close friend from Bristol is also imminent, which might end all social interaction for me. The prospect doesn't sink my heart as it would have before the pandemic. The pandemic has shortened our horizons because staring too far into an uncertain future is an unnerving experience. It's best to keep our foresight limited to the next few days. "I won't been seeing anyone for the next few days" sounds much more manageable than "I won't be seeing anyone for the next few weeks or months". Maybe truncated horizons are here to stay. Maybe life in the next few years will be so uncertain and so eventful that planing for the future will be both difficult and imprudent. 

Being Okay When the PhD is Not Going Okay

This week was possibly my least productive week in months, except for the last week of June that I took off after submitting my PhD progress review. But, the most surprising part is how little it bothered me. I haven't lost motivation for completing my PhD and I am not feeling as frustrated as I should be, considering I have been working on this particular chapter for almost five months (This is another instance of stuff looking worse than it feels). I am currently stuck in a conceptual maze, but I can see it lifting in the not-so-distant future, when the time is right. Breaking through the maze will require work, and I am ready for the slog.
The next few weeks, months, years are going to be tumultous, so its best not to invent problems that don't exist. I am getting better at being okay with slack periods of my PhD. Yes, using your PhD to distract from problems in other areas of your life, and to find other distractions when your PhD is not going well sounds like a winning strategy on paper. But, you can't live your whole life running away from the unsavoury parts of your life. With time, you can get better at letting the unsavoury bits just be.