Old Friends

I met an old friend from journo school today and I am glad it worked out. I had a busy day wrapping up at work before my Italy trip and for a while I was hoping he wouldn't message me as I  was also  tired. But message me he did and we managed to meet without incident. He is possibly the best people's person I know. Friendly, unassuming, doesn't take himself  too seriously. People warm to him like I have never seen. He is great friend to be around, full of tales about his experiences as a cricket journalist and a great mimic, so it was a fun few hours. He is  going to be in England for  the next few months, so we are sure to meet again.

Walking Out

Sometimes I feel like I take my much-vaunted new relationship with guilt too far. This evening, I walked out of my yoga class when I learned that my instructor was away, as I had attended a class with the substitute teacher before and hadn't enjoyed it. In my defense, the substitute teacher hadn't arrived, but I am sure the others were surprised to see me walk out without a word. They haven't ever been particularly friendly to me so its not like I owe them an explanation. In fact, some of them  look straight through me even though we see each other every week. The only reason I choose to join this overwhelmingly white, overwhelmingly female and overwhelmingly lithe group is because the yoga teacher is amazing. But that is something I have whined about before.
If I had stayed for the class, I am sure I would have felt bitter, and counted the minutes to the end. Not the purpose of yoga at all. Life is too short to waste on things you don't enjoy and don't have to do, especially if there is a way to escape. Equally, I wouldn't have left if  the instructor was already there. The right to do as you please doesn't extend to being cavalier about other people's feelings.
When I was young, I gave an inordinate amount of attention to the question "What will other people think?". Its not that that question has gone away. It has just become more nuanced. Do I really care about the people who I am worried will disapprove? Who am I hurting with my actions and can it  be avoided? What will I think of  myself?

Solace In Songs

The past few days have not been the best. The fascist at home has tightened his stranglehold over the country and aspiring fascists here, rookies though they are in comparison to him, are getting stronger by the day. Although I am not a music afficionado,  I often turn to music for solace or inspiration. I have written before about the power of music to summon the past and how I associate certain songs with certain periods of my life. I just went back and read it and didn't know whether to be pleased by the quality of the writing, which was good, or dissatisfied that I haven't made as much progress as I thought since then. But that is a blog for another day. Coming back to the present, where hope hangs heavy rather than uplifts, I have been seeking solace in songs. The only songs that provide solace are old Bollywood songs, because they remind me of an India very different from now, which was already changing for the worse when I was born. And Indian protest songs, which remind me of the India that is fighting back against the rising tide of hate and fascism. All other Indians seem like they are complicit in the making of the new India. Of course, the obvious question is if I feel so strongly about what's happening in India, why am I not back there? Its a good question, and I have no explanation beyond saying that I don't want to live there, and now even less as it is careening into  fascist future. 

Unleashing Your Wisdom On Others

After you have gone through a life-changing experience and come out on the other side, after you've discovered the joy of therapeutic writing and daily blogging, after you feel you have transformed your relationship with the world and with yourself, it is perfectly natural to feel like unleashing this newfound wisdom on the world, or at least on the people around you. It is tempting to read other people through the lens you read yourself, and identify their strengths and flaws. And try to correct their flaws. Which is not a bad thing in itself. I don't belief this inclination, at least in me, comes from pride and a desire to have my wisdom validated, but a place of concern. At least most of the time. When a number of people say you are wise to start to believe them and feel pressured to act wise. And, that is when you stop listening to people. Pride is not bad in itself, but is harmful when it starts to dominate over other emotions. And starts to drown out what people around you are saying. Because wisdom doesn't lie in seeking truths about life and disseminating it to the world. It lies in responding to the needs of yourself and those around you in the most fruitful manner possible. And, that requires active listening and suspension of judgement. It is difficult to know when to intervene and when to keep your counsel to yourself. But, listening, pausing for a moment before an intervention can  help to  some extent. 

Friends' Weddings

Today, I got an email from an old friend inviting me to his wedding reception. Since I didn't knowhe was getting married, it came as a surprise. Its been a while since I attended a friend's wedding--the last one was in December 2015. There was a wave of weddings in the winter of 2012, but since then, weddings have been few and far between. As far as close friends go, I don't anticipate any weddings in the near future, although there could always be surprises, like this one.
While I am happy for my friends who are happily married, marriage does mean I see less of them. And when they have kids, they practically disappear. It used to be that most of my close friends were coupled up, if not married. I would occasionally feel jealous of them, but not anymore. Maybe I have changed, maybe the world is changing. In recent years, most of my new friends are single, and single people seem to be everywhere and quite content with their relationship status. And, today, I read an article which said childless women who had never married were happier than married or divorced women or mothers. I have believed for some time now that surviving the triple crisis of capitalism, liberal democracy and the climate would require fundamental changes, not only in the political and economic spheres but also in the social and individual spheres. The rise of people who don't want children because of the state of the world are an example. Marriage and children may cease to be the chief markers of a settled life. Of course, finding your soulmate is definitely something to be celebrated. But, one can't wait around to find one's soulmate. "Your choices are half chance".

When Hope Dies

This will be my last lament about the elections. The results are in, and the ruling fascists have expanded their mandate of doom. Our minds are not up to the task of imagining what havoc they will unleash. We only know that it will far exceed our worst expectations. Minds fueled by hate have extraordinary amounts of morbid creativity. India has given me another reason for not moving back if I can help it. There is anxiety about what the world will turn into and despair about how little we knew the world we were living in. History tells us the march of the far-right has only be stopped by a cataclysmic calamity like a World War. Will India suffer a giant economic crisis or will it go to war with Pakistan, or both? The far right cannot be contained, it can only be crushed. This might seem very cynical and defeatist but I suppose no one can see a way out that doesn't involve pain and possibly bloodshed. At this moment, these profound words of Karl Marx describe my sentiment: All that is solid melts into air, all that is holy is profaned, and man is at last compelled to face with sober senses his real conditions of life, and his relations with his kind.

Ahead of D-Day

Tomorrow is the result of national elections in India, a country where I have spent most of my 33 and-a-half year, but where I don't want to live again. Sometimes you feel closer to a place when you are away from it. When I was in India, I was mostly too preoccupied navigating the traffic, noise, crowds and general craziness too care much about what was happening to the country, except for the time when India and Paksitan were on the brink of conflict. From a distance, all the trivialities vanish from view, and I only see the big developments. What happens in the elections tomorrow is unlikely to affect my life in any meaningful way. I have friends and family in India, of course, and I might have to move back out even if I don't want to. But, none of my friends and family are likely to fall foul of this regime unless India becomes a failed state. My outrage at the current right-wing fascist government is not even expressed on Twitter. All I do is silently fume. If only we were pushed to action when we got outraged. But, India is in my bones--the good bits, the many bad bits and everything in between. It will always occupy a part of my spiritual space whether I like it or not. And, my heart will sink if tomorrow heralds five more years of the current government.