"It Takes A Village to Finish A PhD'

 I just came across this on Twitter. Maybe it is true, I don't know. Maybe if I had a village, I would finish my PhD faster. But, the fact is I don't have a village behind me, and a lonely journey has become lonelier since Covid. I have spectacularly failed to meet every deadline I have set for myself during the PhD. For hard deadlines, like uni progress milestones, I have turned in work that I wasn't satisfied with. Till about a year and a half ago, I used to tell people I am really enjoying my PhD. That is no longer the case, and hasn't been the case for a long time now. During the heights of lockdowns, my thesis was something to keep me occupied. Now, it is something that I have to finish by throwing everything I have at it, and then some. It is about pumping yourself with positive self-talk, and soldiering on, being frequently thrown by roadblocks and picking yourself up again. Constantly debating whether you are being too easy or too hard on yourself. Wondering a dozen times a day whether you will ever finish, and more importantly, finish with a PhD I am proud of, and then reassuring myself. At the bottom of my head, I know this is all a part of the journey and my trials and tribulations are not unique, They might seem that way because I don't really have a PhD cohort to compare notes with. The small cohort I had melted away during Covid. I am my own village and that is all there is to it.

The Conceptual Fog Will Clear

 I spent most of last week despairing over my PhD because my supervisor wasn't enthused about my plan to deal with the shortcomings she had pointed out. I spent a few days in a sulk, growing steadily angrier at her, before realising that she was right. This week, I am in a better place. The sense of despair has eased and I am spending most of time wracking my brains about my PhD rather than in a funk. I am trying to put together my core conceptual framework, and transform instinctive insights into a scholarly contribution that will withstand academic scrutiny. This is the skeleton of my thesis, and sometimes I feel like I am grinding my own bones to dust in the process of building it. It is very much one step forward, three-quarters of a step back. Somedays it feels like the conceptual fog is showing signs of lifting. On other days, like today, the fog looks impregnable and it feels like I am back to square one. All I can do is remind myself that I am not losing the game, this is how the game is played. Upswings and downswings is what it is going to be like, until I finish my PhD. And, I will finish this PhD soon, even if this PhD feels like a curse that keeps demanding more of me. I have to show up and keep my spirits up. 

Father Stan Swamy Dies

 Father Stan Swamy, the 84-year-old activist arrested on trumped up charges, died today. I have nothing more to say on the sheer sadism of terrorizing an old frail man without any discernible political benefit. I came across a photo of him in hospital with a breathing tube in him, while chained to the bed. Neither do I have nay political insight to offer nor do I have the talent to turn my horror into art. But, the news got me thinking about priesthood as a vocation for sensitive and gentlemen. I have met some priests who seemed like and by all accounts are the kindest of people. And, it strikes me that priesthood, at least in theory, is one of the few vocations for men where so-called feminine qualities like gentleness and generosity are valued, and not seen as a sign of inadequacy. I suppose there are other professions, like social worker or teacher, but I don't think kindness and gentleness are the most prominent attributes of those professions.  I know I have a very idealized vision of priesthood and churches are not paragons of progressivism but we badly need more such models of masculinity. 

Settling Down In Unsettled Times

I got some unsolicited advice from my aunt about how I should do more to find a full-time job and not spend the three years on my post-PhD visa in temp jobs because I will be nearly 40 by the end of it. I should look to "settle down" as soon as possible. For most desis, that means, get a high-paying job, get married and have kids. I know I cut a sorry figure in the eyes of some of my extended family members, although some of them have the good grace to never hint about it. 35, single, no job, hasn't even finished his PhD, unsettled in every possible way. This particular aunt doesn't really care about marriage and kids but both her sons are in high-flying jobs City jobs and the contrast between us couldn't be starker, both in terms of our financial situation (which is obvious) and in life goals (which I don't think she cares about). I would never ever want to be an investment banker or tax consultant in the City, even if I could. In any case, trying to predict what will happen in the next five months feels like a high-risk exercise, much less five years. I have previously argued that the combination of problems that our world is facing may lead to shifts in attitudes towards what it means to have a settled life. But, those attitudes won't change overnight or ever, in the case of some people. 

Advising is Mostly Telling People What They Already Know

I am coming around to the view that advice is mostly telling people what they already know but need to hear from you. Not all advice, but a lot of it and definitely most of the advice I have dispensed in my life. Those who think of ourselves as wise people should keep that in mind. That doesn't make advice pointless. Our belief in our truths is not unshakeable--it helps to have it reinforced by our well-wishers. And sometimes we need well-wishers to shine a light on truths we are trying to hide from. Yes, sometimes, it is possible to bring your perspective and experience and offer something new. But, chances are, if it is a vexing problem, the concerned person has already thought about it. So, this is a call for greater humility from people who think of themselves as wise, because there is no such thing as too much humility. 

PhD Advice

 Yesterday, I found myself giving advice I could use myself to a friend who is also close to finishing his PhD. I told him how the last stage is the toughest and most frustrating. It is not easy to measure progress by words written because there is not all that much left to  write. But, hammering the stuff that has already been written into a coherent form feels like a Herculean task. Yet, it is not an impossible task, although I am sure every PhD student feels so at some point. If you have reached this far, your PhD is doable, and you are on the way to making an original contribution to your field. Yes, fleshing out that contribution feels like pulling teeth  out. But tooth pain doesn't last forever and neither will this stage of my PhD. I just have to  keep the faith and do my best. Easier said than done but that is true of most things in life. 

Extension and Sprints

 This morning, I woke up to news that I had been granted a four-months extension instead of the three months I had asked for. It definitely reduces the pressure on me, and banished the doomsday scenarios swirling through my head last evening. I don't plan to use the full four months, just as |I didn't plan to use the full three months I was asking for, just as I wasn't planning on using the full four years of my PhD registration period. We will see, is all I am going to say. I am going to work as hard as I can while keeping my spirits up and take every extension as it comes :-P. I don't think I have the stamina to keep working this project beyond four months but my judgement has been hopelessly wrong throughout so I don't set great store by it. In other news, I did sprints today after a gap of almost two years. I thought it would knock the stuffing out of me and I would be stiff for days after. I remember the first time I did them years ago in Dadoji kondeo stadium. I drove back and just lay on the living room floor. My breath had recovered but my insides felt like they had been curdled. This time too I felt the same but i recovered quickly enough and my thighs don't feel like lead. I think my stretching game has improved a lot over the years and the cold showers help too. 

This time too I felt like my insides had