Men, Reciprocity and Care

In recent memory, there are two instances where I showed care towards male friends and was miffed by their lack of reciprocity and/or gratitude. I find it particularly annoying that some men are bad at taking care of themselves, but when someone offers them care, they lap it up without much thought. It might be the case that my expectations of care/gratitude are unreasonably high. And, one often, if not always, has the option of withdrawing care if one is not satisfied by how it is received. But, it is not secret that cishet men are bad at care/reciprocity. Many south Asian men, in particular, go from being pampered by their mothers or sisters to being pampered by their wives or girlfriends, or at least expecting to be. That said, I have nothing to say about why men are bad at care/reciprocity that hasn’t been said by wiser people before.

Obviously, one doesn’t want to keep excel spreadsheets of who did what in platonic and romantic relationships because then there is no difference between those interactions and business transactions. Care can come in many forms—physical, emotional, material. People may have differing abilities as well as inclinations to offer care and that is fine. Relationships can also fail over differing expectations of reciprocity and care, and that is fine too. But, I do feel one should be conscious of both the balance of acts of care and the ability of the other person to reciprocate, at least in the early stages of a friendship/relationship. And, especially if one is a man as most men are socialized to take others for granted. Else, it is easy for relationships to become lop-sided and/or wither.