End of the Week

Its not often that I feel glad the week has ended but today is one of those rare occasions. It wasn't a bad week, it was just not a very productive one. What's worse is I can't even say I didn't achieve everything I had set out to because I didn't have a clear-cut plan. I am at that stage of my research where I am trying to figure out what my research is really about. Since I am more than halfway through the duration of my PhD that might sound alarming. But the nature of my research is such that one seeks the research questions and answers simultaneously.
This week was spent in doggedly feeling around in the dark for the light switch that would illuminate the path to the next stage of my research. So much of this project is showing up even if you are not feeling particularly inspired. Having faith that just sticking with the project will open doors or at least windows. Just like yoga or blogging, where not every session has the desired effect. Even when you feel like you are not making progress because progress is not linear and it is cumulative. This, of course, doesn't mean sticking to your research strategy, no matter what. Its not about having faith in one's research approach, because one should not be wedded to a particular  idea or approach. Faith and openness go had in hand. Inner faith makes you more open to the external world. Faith in what, you may ask? In yourself, in the trajectory of your life, in the calling you have chose, in your destiny. Who says scientists lack faith?

Liam Neeson and Revenge

A Hollywood actor who is promoting a revenge-themed movie recently talked about how he wanted to kill a black man, any black man, after one of his friends was raped by one. His two points presumably was about how vengeance is a powerful force and how all of us are consciously or unconsciously racist. That interview drew strong reactions. Some people applauded him for his frankness, which curiously came just when he was promoting a movie. Others lambasted him for trying to pass of such repellent views as acceptable with the justification that he was feeling vengeful because his friend had just been raped. After all, if the rapist had been white, it is unlikely that he would have thought about killing a white man, or himself. Some people said his views exposed how black men, especially, are routinely dehumanized while others pointed out. Others pointed out that simply by voicing such feelings, he was leaning on his privilege as a white male.
I don't know where I stand on this one. I believe most of us are racist to differing extents, but that doesn't give the racist system we live in a free pass. It is because it is difficult not be in a racist system, and the same holds true for any other form of discrimination. But the other point is whether to talk about uncharitable, or even violent, impulses that we are ashamed of. Is it better to air them or keep them to ourselves? An obvious ground rule is whether airing them will do more harm than good to the target of those impulses. But that of course is not easy to figure out. Another way of looking it is we cannot control our thoughts, only our actions, so why valorize our thoughts so much? Just because you feel like murdering someone doesn't mean you are actually going to do it. 

Fullness Threshold

I just read an article which said that a PhD in education sciences (presumably in the U.S.) takes 13 years on average. And, here I am trying to finish one (albeit not in education) in three years. On some days, such as today, it feels like a tall ask. But, I feel like with a project such as mine, where the end-point is not obvious, an end-date is required because otherwise the project can go on forever. An end-date is a rough mental marker for when to stop and what to leave for later projects. Of course, just because the end-point is not obvious doesn't mean I can simply stop writing when my time runs out. As I have written before, I aim for a feeling of fullness that comes with a writing job done to my satisfaction. This goes for even a blog post, so, naturally, the expectations and "fullness" threshold is much higher for a PhD thesis. And, of course, I hope I reach my fullness threshold before I reach my "fed up" threshold. For the paper I just submitted recently to a journal, the latter came before the former, but fortunately the two were quite  close to each other so I could submit without a guilty conscience.
When people ask me if my PhD is on track, I don't know what to say. If only there was a track with clear milestones. But, that wouldn't be any fun in my discipline. There is madness in the method and in laborious stretches such as where I am right now, I try to remind myself of this maxim. 

Playing With Words

It never ceases to surprise me how much social sciences research depends on fluency in a language. Some social science research strikes me as playing with words--putting a slightly different spin on a conceptual term and passing it off as a contribution to the literature. As an aside, isn't it interesting that we often refer to an existing body of research on the subject as 'literature'? Also, the starting point of most research projects is a "literature" review.
How does one separate nuanced research from a play on words? One tends to dismiss research that one doesn't understand as a play on words. I came across a journal article today and I couldn't decide whether it was brilliant or faff. I was able to grasp some of the author's arguments, but not all. This is a perennial problem with  purely theoretical research. With empirical research at least you are saying something concrete about a real-world phenomena. Which is why examples are so useful. They are an age-old teaching tool, but I think they should be used more in research as well. Cases where a new concept seems like a play on words would be helped if the researcher can give an example where his concept is applicable and another where it is inapplicable. I understand precision can sometimes come at the cost of nuance, but surely intelligibility must be of primary importance,  ahead of nuance.

Meta Blog

I have promised to not write too many blogs about blogging, but this one is a meta-blog with a difference. Instead of writing about how great blogging is, this one is about how unsatisfying it has been for the past 10 days or so. The same goes for yoga, the other tool in my wellness box. It has been days since I wrote a blog which feel full and satisfying, and I wonder why.  Come to think of it, the past few days have not been very satisfying, mostly because I have been under the weather and have stayed mostly indoors. Blogging is about coming home after a full day and reflecting on the day, so when are your days aren't full, obviously blogging is not very satisfying. Now my blog is not a log of the day's events, and I often reflect on thoughts on ideas that didn't necessarily come up during that day (I keep an inventory of blog ideas that I tap from time to time). But, when you are unwell, your mental juices flow at a more leisurely place, which is probably why blogging has seemed like such a chore these past few days. The thing I have realized about other wellness tool--yoga--is that its not a magic wand that brightens up a dull day every time, although on rare occasions it does work that way. But, having faith in the practice, and returning to the mat even when it feels like a drag, has definitely helped me. I have the same attitude towards blogging. We instinctively know what practices/relationships/perspectives serve us well even if we lack the intellect to understand or the vocabulary to articulate how exactly they serve us.
 I am glad that I have managed to keep up the practice of blogging and have compensated for the lack of inspiration by writing shorter blogs. Tomorrow, is a new week, and as I am feeling better, I am hoping that it will be a physically and intellectually productive week. And, as it happens, I am satisfied with this blog post.

My Book Collection

I own many more books than I thought, which I only realized as I was going through the cupboard in my bedroom this morning. My personal collection is nowhere near as large as my parents', but I still have a good 50 books. When I am in Bristol, I prefer to either borrow books from the public library or read them on Kindle. I have limited space in my AirBnB and moving books there would add a measure of permanence to my living arrangements in Bristol which I am not prepared for yet. I am not a big one for decorating my living space. My apartment in Bombay didn't have a single piece of decoration and my room in Bristol just has photos of my family and a naughty poster gifted by a dear friend. My books are the only personal effects that would mark a space as mine. If I decide to make my home in England and fate permits me to, I will move my books there. Until then, my books will stay here. 

Cough For Life

It is Day 7 of my sore throat and I feel no better or worse than on Day 1. My Mom has had a cough on and off for a few months now and my usually indomitable Dad has also fallen victim to it. When it was coming on I knew it would stay for longer than I wanted it to but not as long as I thought it would. I am not trying to be cute with the wordplay--a cold is one of those maladies which feels like it will stay with you for life. It is usually mild enough to keep your faculties unimpaired enough to feel all the misery it has to offer and to reflect on it. It is also one of those ailments that will normally not shorten your life, which perversely makes it seem worse as one would have to bear it for longer.
I have not been seriously sick in the past two-and-a-half years (knock on wood) and just twice in my entire life time (thanks, dengue fever). One of the main reasons I dislike being indisposed is I can't exercise or at least not enough to get the endorphins swimming. But, I would prefer to be indisposed with a cold than with an injury any day because coming out of an injury, one is super-nervous about doing any exercises that might cause repeat injuries.