Stand-Up Comedy Show

I went for a stand-up comedy show last evening, and as luck would have it, I a the first to be picked on. Fortunately, the net person he picked on turned out to be gold mine, so it wasn't so bad. The stand-up acts were quite funny, and I am glad I went. but, I do admit to feeling a bit jealous of the wit and the charm of the stand-ups, who were all male. It reinforced the feeling that I have become dumber and less funny over the past two years. Also, I had gone with a meet-up group, and I didn't enjoy the small talk that I had to make wit them. Yes, I know. I find going to a performance by myself weird, and going with a random group of people barely tolerable. But, enough whining, most of the acts were great, and I am glad that I went. 

Six Years Since I Started My PhD

 I started my PhD journey six years ago today. At that time, I didn't imagine it would take so long. But, neither did I imagine I would have to suspend my PHD within five month and take almost a year out. Neither did I or anyone else imagine the hellscape that the world would turn into over the years. And, it is important to keep that in mind. Yes, I have not moved ahead in life anywhere as much as I thought I would. My personal, professional, social and intellectual lives are a shadow what I had imagined for myself by this stage of my life. But, the world is burning, and I am still standing. Milestones are a reminder of how far you have come, but not necessarily on the road you set out on. 

Intellectual Conversations

 I usually enjoy intellectual conversations, but there was something off about the one I had on the mett-up walk yesterday. At first, I thought it was because I have lost a great deal of intellectual confidence since I started my PhD. And, then, I remembered my time with Shyam in the US. The mark of an intellectual conversation is you are too absorbed in it to think about your pride or whether you are appearing smart. I think it was because we had a minor argument before we had properly established a rapport. I can get a bit aggressive when arguing without meaning to and though I have grown more conscious of that over the years, I suppose some of the aggression lingers. I remember on the US trip when Shyam and I were having a heated and perfectly good-natured argument, the others in the car thought we were rowing. But, without a rapport you don't know if the other person is holding on to their position out of pride or out of genuine belief, and being human, you tend to assume the former. 

Friendships After Covid

The past two years have been, at best, weird, and worst, horrifying for everyone, I said to a friend who was apologizing for not being very present. She ascribes her behaviour to being in a relationship that she now recognizes was extremely toxic. I had noticed that she had become bit of stranger. We did not break off all contact but when we spoke it felt like I was talking to a different person. But since she lives across the Atlantic, and given what was happening, I thought that was understandable. At the time, I was going through a rough patch with one of my closest friends in the UK, which was taking up all my reserves of anger and animosity. But, today for the first time, this other friend sounded like the person I knew. She is someone who played a big role during my troubles, and I hope I have offered her some support. In any case, I am glad to have her back in my life. 

Brandon Hill In the Dark

 This evening, after a date that ended a bit sooner than I expected, I tramped up to Brandon Hill, one of the first places I visited when I Bristol six years ago and still my favourite place in the city. This is not a post about my life in Bristol. I will save that for another day when I am feeling less sleepy. This is a darkness and solitude appreciation post. The street lights had been switched off atop Brandon hill, possibly to save electricity. That also kept many people away I suppose. Tonight wasn't as peaceful as my night walks on Scheveningen beach, But, it was the closest since then. For some people, finding companionship or company is the cure for loneliness. For others, solitude is the cure. I think I belong to the second category. 

Accepting Apologies

The most important people skill is the ability to say that you are sorry. A less important skill is the ability to accept compliments. Between the two, is the ability to accept apologies. What comes in the way of accepting apologies? It could be anger that is not easily quelled. But, it could also be guilt for seeking an apology. It could also be surprise that a sought apology was easily offered. Today, an office mate poked fun at me in front of one of his students. I didn't retaliate, even though I am sure he wouldn't have minded. I just don't think academics should poke fun at each other to get a laugh out of their students. 

Pride in My Students

 Today, I received word that some of my seminar students had won a prize in a group video challenge. The prize is not a big deal and my only contribution to their victory was nominating them as the best entry from my seminar group. That was not a heard decision either as they were head and shoulders above everyone else. But I still felt very proud of them.  Maybe I have reached an age where I can feel paternally towards 18-year-olds. But, to feel pride in someone else's achievements that is undiluted by indifference or envy is a buoyant feeling.