To Be Or Not To Be On A Dating App

Its been three weeks since I rejoined dating apps, and I swing between ruing and condoning my decision. Shouldn't I be focussing on getting my life in order frist? Finishing my PhD, finding another place to stay, etc. On the other hand, a) Is my life really that disorderly? b) Will it ever be orderly enough in the near future? Will there ever come a time when I feel prepared to date. On the first question, I am of sound mental and physical health, as are all my near and dear ones, and I am gainfully employed. Yes, of course, there are parts of my life that I would like to change but who doesn't? I gave up pursuing a romantic prospect last year to concentrate on my PhD, and I don't think it did much good. As for the second question, the world is going to hell in a hand-basket and I am in a precarious profession. That time in the future when I feel tranquil and stable enough to seek love might be elusive. At the same time, the pursuit of love on online dating entails significant emotional labour, and the question of whether it is the right time or whether I am ready to provide the emotional labour at that point in time are two separate ones. The answer to the first could be yes, and the answer to the second could be no. For the time being, I have decided to stay on the apps at least until my subscription runs out. But, if it starts to get too much, I may quit earlier. I have decided to log out of the apps in the morning and log in in the evening, to prevent myself from checking it too often. I tried it yesterday, and it worked. 

The Company of Non-Economists

 This afternoon, I attended a study group in which I was the only economist. And, I realised that I miss and prefer the company of non-economists. Most economists would probably know as little about my area of economics as the non-economists present today. But their attitude would be vastly different. Non-economists are generally kinder, humbler and have their heart in the right place. 

Hearing That You Are Smart

 Some people need to hear that they are smart, and some people don't need to hear that. I have long realized that I am part of the latter group. Some people are prone to diffidence, some are prone to overconfidence, some wear their intelligence lightly, both in their speech and in their heads. Others wear it lightly only in their speech and even slight success can go to their heads. 

Why Not Me?

 Today, I was listening to a radio with a woman who seemed to be a bereavement consultant as well as a sociologist of dying. Her story moved me to tears, but that wasn't all. She said people who work in these kind of jobs--funeral services, palliative care, etc-- lead life differently, love differently, etc. They understand that disaster can strike at any moment and change their lives. Since they see tragedy so closely, they do not ask the question  that most people do--"Why me?". They adopt the attitude of "Why not me?". Since they have seen tragedy up close, they relish the tragedy-free moments in their lives. I know that I make them sound like saints, but I suppose they are that, or they are just crazy. To do a job like that and to not lose your mind requires oodles of emotional resilience. But, the phrase that stuck with me, was "Why not me?"., to which there is no answer. I have had the good fortune of not having to "why me" about anything other than my nagging shoulder injury. Let's see if I can adopt the "Why not me?" attitude for at least this minor problem and whether it will help me cope with grace and foritude. 

De-Stressing Jobs

 DO stress-free jobs still exist or do all jobs need to be destressed to the extent possible? I think its the latter. The destressing can be achieved either by taking specific actions, but mainly by giving less of a fuck Easier said than done, I know, and impossible to do within the first few months of a job when you are prone to make a mountain of every molehill. It takes time to tell the potential mountains from the molehills. TO figure out which rules are sacrosanct, which ones are negotiable and which ones are meant to be broken without getting caught. After that, its just a question of finding that slight bit of courage to bend/break the rules.

Happiness Is A Choice, Not a Fate

 This is what I said to a friend yesterday, who was whining about her life. It seemed trite as it came out of my mouth,  and I wasn't looking to drop pearls of wisdom. I meant it to be ironic, but I wonder if there is some use to it. Happiness is a choice. IN today's world, one doesn't have to look hard for reasons to be sad. But, there is no disaster upon you at a point in time, is it possible to choose to be happy instead of glum? To talk yourself out of a funk? I don't know if I am making a lot of sense. I guess the proof of the pudding is in the eating. If I am able to talk myself out of the blues, maybe it is a choice.

Clocks Go Forward 2022

The clocks go forward tonight, and, as is my ritual, I did the Cozy Winter yoga practice and went back to my clocks post from the past. The last post talked bout how life had not gone according to plan but had not gone too badly either. I had not finished my PhD but at least I had a job. The past five months have been challenging, to put it mildly, and the past few weeks even more so. My brush with insomnia last November, my the rise of Omicron, my own Omicron scare, the stress of travelling to India and travelling back and my poor sleep in India. And, then coping with Covid and a heavy teaching load back in the UK. I could go on and on, and I have. But, the important thing is I am still standing and I am still hopeful. Bruised but not broken. Not that there is anything wrong with being broken, and I have been broken in the past and have had to put myself together again. But, I am not broken at this point.