Learning

As the legs come off our world, it is obvious how little we understood it. Or, maybe it is a fact that a world can only be understood when it is in the throes of extinction. A severe crisis lays bare some important aspects of the world, like the global financial crisis of 2008 did. But, an existential crisis forces one to reckon the world in its entirety and ask fundamental questions about its nature and purpose. For instance, how would one explain the fact that Republicans and Tories are outflanking moderate socio-democrats with proposals such as Universal Basic Income? Or, that generational differences map onto ideological differences?
Of course, studying a burning world that you are a part of is not easy at all. It is intellectually stimulating but emotionally draining. On the other hand, it is important to try to keep a sense of equanimity and not go overboard with the hyperboles. It is easy to valorize the present, because of our proximity  to it, to believe that nothing like this has happened before. But, research, like life, is a balance between going overboard, launching flights of fancy and clambering on board, touching the ground from time to time. 

Bare Necessities

I consider myself  a frugal person, but, of  course, frugality is in the eyes of the beholder. This evening, I was thinking about the things I needed to maintain my current standard of living. On the food front, availability of eggs, bread, milk, yogurt, onions, tomatoes and fresh veggies if they are available. On the utilities front--water, electricity, heating and broadband internet.So far, I have been coping well with self-isolation even though its just been five days. But, I have no idea how I will cope if the supply of my bare necessities is interrupted. That is starting to look like an increasingly real prospect.

WFH Day 1

It didn't go as badly as I feared, nor as well as I had hoped, like most things in life. I was moderately productive, but coronavirus remained at the top of my mind. Trying to strike the right balance between being kind to yourself during this difficult phase and not slacking off completely is difficult. A part of the reason is never before in my lifetime or those of most of us who have not suffered war or natural disaster has the future been so uncertain. What will the world that I, as a newly-minted PhD student, step in look like? It is impossible to predict the extent of devastation and subsequent upheaval that this will cause. This world is now bursting at its seams and feels like its going to be explode in a Big Bang. 

The current situation represents a morbid dilemma for those on the left like me. Yes, going back to the pre-coronavirus world of peak fascism, rising inequality and breakneck-speed climate change doesn't feel like an enticing prospect. But if that world is a frying pan, the coronavirus is the fire. There is no telling what the world will look like when it comes out of the fire.

Of course, I am being melodramatic. Maybe it won't be as mild as I hope or as bad as I fear. 

Prepping to Work From Home

From tomorrow, I will be working from home and I am as prepared for it as I will ever be.  I have a desk and chair, I have cleared up my room and made it as homely and officely as possible and I have put out pictures of my family on my desk for virtual love and support. Working from home was something I had been dreading for weeks, but now going to uni seems like the much less palatable option. Our uni has not closed down yet, and I had initially decided that I would keep going until it did. But, now I have changed my mind. A part of the reason is because I am trying to be a responsible young person who might not be at risk, but who doesn't want to be a carrier of the virus. Also, this is an extraordinary time. To pretend that it is not and to try to carry on like everything is okay just because my  life hasn't been affected directly feels callous to me. I don't trivialize the concept of sacrifice by claiming my working from home is such, so what's a good word for what I am doing? Acknowledging the gravity of the situation? I don't know. In any case, introverts like me will weather isolation better than others. Indeed, I won't miss some of the people in my  PhD cohort and I am looking at this as a hiatus from them.

As I was meditating today, hot tears rolled down my cheek as I thought about the people who are less fortunate than me, in terms of health, money and responsibilities, and how their life is likely to change in the coming weeks. I have never prayed in my life and don't believe in a God, but I will be holding them in my thoughts every day and will be praying to the universe for their well-being.

Panic Buying

The last time I went to the supermarket the shelves looked bare. There were barely any fruits, vegetables or rice. For the past few Saturdays, the newspapers have been carrying stories of panic buying. It is not surprising that a consumerist society reacts to every situation by buying. During coroanvirus its panic buying, and at other time it is festive buying or bargain buying. You buy when you are feeling low to feel better, you buy when you are feeling good and want to celebrate. Pleas by supermarkets are likely to fall upon deaf years. They have fed the beast of consumerism, and think they can cajole the beast to stop feeding during a crisis? Fat chance!
This might not be the right time to rant against consumerism. I have given up judging people for their consumerist ways, although I suppose my disapproval shines through my demeanor. But, I draw the line when I am pushed to partake in the consumerism. 

Self Isolation (Day 1)

Today I placed myself under self-isolation in the morning with a great amount of fanfare and regretted it a few hours later when I felt better. I hadn't got much sleep last night partly because of the chills. Placing myself under self-isolation initially made me feel virtuous but as the day wore on I began to rethink my decision. The fever had disappeared, and although I was still feeling under the weather, it could just be because the last few weeks have been stressful. 
I had thought that being away from the office would help me work as it would take me away from the collective swirling paranoia around coronavirus, but no such luck. I found myself spending a lot of time on news websites. This is possibly the most important event in European history since World War 2. But thinking about it constantly will drive me nuts, so I am hoping that boredom will drive me back towards my PhD work. Particularly as the last two weeks have not been very productive.
The PhD is a constancy in my life, a goal that exists in and of itself, independent of what happens in the world, save for major illness or death of me or my loved ones. The world might look very different post coronavirus but a  stinking good PhD will still count as a stonking good PhD.
When events are trying to constantly trying to pull your attention outwards, it is a struggle to go inwards. But going inwards is essential for salvation. Its not a question of whether I will be able to manage it but how soon and how easily. 

Furniture Hunting

In the early hours of today, I had a micro-epiphany. I realised my anxiety about the coronavirus would substantially reduce if I had a decent set-up to work from home. So, there was no point in dilly-dallying over buying a desk and chair.

While my anxiety reduced after taking this decision, I was still too distracted by the virus to get anything done during the day. I left for my yoga class early to hunt for furniture and it didn't go well. Turns out most second-hand furniture shops sell pretty-looking furniture, not the sturdy no-frills furniture that I was looking for. I peeped into two shops, and entered three, but I couldn't find a table that was the right size. Disappointed, I skulked away to my yoga class, which fortunately, picked me up and pumped me with beans.

After dinner, I went online to look for a desk, and after an hour of faffing, I found one. After a few minutes of pondering, I decided to message the seller, who responded promptly, and I sealed the deal.